addiction - hyunchan

eighteen

hours went by of soft slumber. hyunjin and felix laying side by side, hands intertwined underneath the uncomfortable blanket provided by the hospital. hyunjins eyes fluttered open to meet a resting felix. he didn't mean to stare, but he couldn't help it.

he hadn't realized how much his best friend had changed. his chubby cheeks were gone, now replaced with a chiseled structure. then he notice the things that stayed the same, like his cute button nose and his pretty freckles. staring at the boy calmed the pain momentarily. the addicts mind was taken away from the sharp stomach pains and the massive migraine, all calmed when focusing on felix.

the younger opened his eyes feeling hyunjins heavy breath on his cheek. he smiled, turning to the addict. "how long have you been awake?" he asked, voice groggy afraid he had just been sleeping the whole time while hyunjin stayed awake.

"only a few minutes" hyunjin replied, brushing felixs blond hair away from his eyes.

felix smiled. "i'm really glad you're okay...i was so scared when i got chan's call. hel i even punched the fuck out of minho" hyunjin laughed responding with reasons why the brother deserved it. felix looked a bit happier than the last time hyunjin had seen him, he must be proud for finally standing up to minho. "i know we already spent a day together...but can't believe i'm finally with you again" felix began to tear up, hiding his face in hyunjins shoulder.

"yeah, i get it. i missed you so much that one day didn't seem to be enough." hyunjin tried laughing it off a bit, you know, the fact the he had so-called feelings for the younger. but he ended up with tears rolling down his cheeks slowly at the thought felix was taken.

"jinnie?" felix whispered warning a short hum in reply. "don't leave me."

"lix...i could never leave y-"

"i feel like i've already lost part of you though..."

hyunjin froze as felix mumbled that into his shoulder. i mean...he was right in a way. the addict knew he would never be the same as he was before he began abusing drugs, yet that wasn't going to stop him from being himself. for felix. he would tell himself this was all for felix. the pain, the withdrawal, the sobering up...all for felix. "i'm here. i'll always be here for you"

depression, depression was a major long term and short term side effects most heroin abusers obtain. there was no doubt about it, hyunjin had been depressed over the course of the past few years. although he had never went and god physically diagnosed, it was a well known symptom and his occasional suicidal and careless thoughts were there to back him up when he was forced into a rough spot. this side effect was one of the main reasons hyunjin never wanted to get better. he always had doubt and lack of motivation to fix himself, to sober up. simply because he thought it was too late to turn back now, and that he was already one foot in the grave.

but one thing that always kept him going was the single thought maybe just maybe he'd get to see his best friend again. and he was right. hyunjin was now fighting for not only himself but the spark of motivation that was laying by his side.

hyunjin shifted slightly causing felix to lift his head off his shoulder, tear stained cheeks, swollen lips and puffy eyes...and swollen lips. the eye contact they shared for the split moment before flickering their eyes onto each others lips was enough confirmation for the next action. both leaned in capturing one another's lips with their own, moving slowly...passionately. hyunjin laid still due to the various of tubes and wires attaching his body to machines or medicine. as for felix, he hooked his arm around the addicts neck, gently intertwining his fingers with hyunjins long dry hair and resting his hand on the back of his head. their lips danced slow and deep, the kiss was nothing but pure emotion. felix focused on lightly sucking in the tongue that would graze the inside of his mouth with each movement, while hyunjin focused on how such wet perfect lips fit so well within his.

both boys pulled away after minutes on end, both crying for their own reasons. "jinnie i-im so sorry" felix cried, once again his head falling onto the boys shoulder, the hospital gown soaking up his tears. "i-i'm such a fucking stupid god awful friend" he cursed himself.

hyunjin was taken back. had felix regretted the kiss or was it something else. whatever the reason, the addict could rightfully protest against that claim. "lix...you're not a bad friend. you're so perfect. without you, i wouldn't have gotten this far. i don't care if this is about what—what we just did, but either way you're not a bad friend. just look at me, this is the most sober i've been in 5 years and guess who's the reason for that...it's you. if i hadn't met you in that bathr-"

"no hyunjin. you wouldn't even be laying in this hospital bed if i had would have stuck up for you five years ago! i hate myself, i hate minho, i hate chan, jisung, and everyone who knew about your situation! i hate it and i'm sorry because if it weren't for all of us, you would be okay" the blond had raised his voice, the yelling muffled by the way his mouth was pressed against the fabric on hyunjins shoulder.

somehow, no matter the circumstances, felix always found a way to blame himself for the unfortunate situations. chan had even warned him not to be so hard on himself. but he just couldn't help but think it was his fault. i mean, even his own boyfriend pointed out how he was to scared to tell minho sooner, to tell him his faults and lift the restraining order which lead to hyunjin a percentage of his pain to gain.

but hyunjin never saw it that way. if anything he would blame everyone but felix.

the addict always found himself reminiscing about the times felix would meet him in the school bathroom just so they could talk for five minutes each day. how the younger would always check up on him in that time, hugging him and telling him things would get better. hyunjin would remember those times when he felt at his lowest, when he let society get to him and twist his mind into thinking that maybe he was just an inconvenience to everyone. and simply being reminded that felix would be in his presence one day again, was enough to keep him alive.

so hyunjins said all that to felix, he told him how he truly—for the most part—felt and made sure he knew that it was and never will be his fault. it left them both in tears, but more of joy than sadness because right now was not a time to think about the future and problems to face when they went back home, or to the dorms in hyunjins case. no, it was about how they were finally in this together after far too long.