addiction - hyunchan

fifty

"how was your phone call" hyunjin snarled, already grabbing his clothes and a freshly washed towel to take a shower, alone. he couldn't believe chan really had left him right after sex to call the one person he knew hyunjin was jealous of. hyunjin didn't get how chan just didn't understand.

"don't be like this, babe. i'm only trying to help him, he needs us."

and there went that same fucking line he's heard every fucking day, the same fucking line that made him so overwhelmingly frustrated he could forget about all they had been through and fucking punch the man right in his ignorant fucking face.

aggressive yeah? yeah. he was mad. hyunjin hadn't really wanted to go off on chan in quite some time, as in around 5-6 years of time. but there was something about how chan had not payed attention to how hyunjin was feeling lately, or how the man was so focused on another man that he didn't see how bad hyunjins struggles were truly getting, and this really ticked him off.

"don't fucking try that 'he needs us' bullshit again. he doesn't fucking need us chan! he just needs someone, and that someone doesn't fucking have to be you! do you ever take in consideration of my feelings anymore? because every day i'm back i somewhat regret even being here! you make me feel like i'm a visitor in my own goddamn home, chan! it's ridiculous! so yeah i've been drinking, smoking, taking pills and even did coke last week because my pathetic ass resorts to fucking drugs every time something goes wrong for me. you think i'd get used to it since nothing has ever gone right my entire life, right? once an addict, always an addict, right? you're the one who once helped me with these intrusive thoughts, and gave me something else to be addicted to instead of taking substances that kill me more each time. but now, it's like all you fucking care about is jisung, jisung, jisung! fuck jisung! fuck you! fuck everybody! i'm tired of even trying to compromise with you, tired of the make up sex that never works. i'm so fucking tired...and chan, you didn't even notice."

by the end of his words, tears were streaming down his cheeks as he had never let so much out at once and still be so hurt. hyunjin would admit, feeling like your significant other is getting bored of you, hurts like hell.

and to chan, yeah he did catch his mistakes but all he could seem to pick out from what his boyfriend had said was what was most important to him, being the boys health. "you...you didn't relapse on anything else...right?" he worried. fuck fuck, how could he be so fucking stupid yet again to miss out on so much with hyunjins life. chan never saw the boy really leave the house much so he came to wonder when was he getting the drugs? where? and most importantly, was hyunjin hurting that bad? had chan been so focused on jisung that he didn't even notice, despite him being yelled at on multiple occasions?

"do you even care anymore?" hyunjin scoffed, stepping away from the scene and into the bathroom.

"of course i care! i—i'm sorry i missed it, i'm sorry i didn't notice, but please just tell me you're still okay? still clean?" chan begged walking into the bathroom where his lover was already stepping into the shower.

"okay? no. clean? yes." he said bluntly. "but chan, if you continue to be ignorant like you have been lately, i can't promise i'll stay clean for much longer."

it hurt chan to hear he was yet again the reasoning behind hyunjins struggles, but for once he felt like he couldn't just drop everything he had to help out the boy, and that was because he was caught between two lines trying to help two too many people at once when he should really be focusing on himself. "i'm sorry, i—i just don't know what to do" chan said. he felt ashamed for what he had been doing unknowingly, but he couldn't simply bring himself to not have jisung around.

"just—just tell jisung to live somewhere else please. two unstable people under one household is too overwhelming."

chan looked down biting his lip as he thought of what to do. now the he was aware of how much hyunjin was struggling and he hadn't even noticed, he felt just as much of an asshole he used to be just years ago. and despite how much he'd grown close with jisung, he couldn't lose hyunjin. after all he'd promised the boy that he would always be his #1 priority and he vowed to stick to that. so as he looked up again with a deep breath falling out as a sigh he replied, "okay...i'll tell him when i go to drop off his medicine and clothes..."

and here's where the third unstable person in the house hound would be born, for chan was now pushing out someone he'd grown close to for the sake of another. but that's simply how life plays out sometimes. of course chan would miss jisung, they had grown close living together this past year, but he knew it wouldn't be unbearable for he trusted changbin and felix to take good care of him. he just hoped it would be easier than anticipated...

they say "you only love them when you let them go" chan only hoped he wouldn't find himself missing jisung too much.