addiction - hyunchan

twenty-seven

"so...how did it go with felix?" chan said picking at his own food seated facing hyunjin on his own bed.

"good, i told him about what we did...you know because he's my best friend and all." hyunjin admitted, staring at his food to avoid eye contact. "he didn't like the news..."

chan set his utensil down and looked at the boy in front of him. he knew that if felix would tell hyunjin it was a bad idea, the addict would probably take his words into consideration. that's what he wished was not the case. he hoped for some underlying reason that hyunjin had a positive outlook on what they had going. "i figured." he stated, sighing as he sat back against the wall, his head slightly hitting enough to catch hyunjins attention.

but to hyunjin, he could hear the disappointment in chans voice to hear felix wasn't fond of them being close. did that mean chan felt something more that admitted? did it mean he'd be upset to put the proximity to the side? "but chan," he started. "if you—if you do really want to help me and be here, i'm not going to let how felix feels about this make the decision for me...so i wouldn't mind whatever this is to keep going." hyunjin looked up at chan, locking eyes with the elder who seamed somehow expressionlessly enthralled. the addict smiled seeing it was a positive reaction, although it hadn't specified exactly how chan felt, it still answered hyunjins question as to weather chan wanted to continue this as well.

chan scooted closer to hyunjin, knees now touching as they sat face to face legs criss-crossed. he held a hand out to reach for hyunjins cheek, which the younger leaned into and shut his eyes contently. while his eyes were shut, chan leaned in pecking the boys lips. "i wouldn't mind this either." he whispered, lips just hovering over hyunjins impatiently waiting for a reply.

this time hyunjin was the one to kiss chan, his right hand finding its way to the back of the elders wavy hair. "good." is all he replied, leaning back into chans palm.

...

hours flew by as if they were only minutes and soon enough the only light in the room was from the full moon light shining through the cracks in the blinds. "can i go to class tomorrow?" hyunjin asks, his breath hitting chan's face as they laid only inches apart. he really needed to get back into school as much as he didn't want to. it was important for his future that he didn't care about whatsoever...

"sure, but promise me you'll make good decisions." chan pleaded, although he was aware hyunjin mental state was much better, he was still afraid if he was left on his own and felt any sort of pressure, he would resort to drugs. it was a terrifying thought that chan couldn't help but worry about.

"i promise." hyunjin assured, wrapping his arms around chan's neck. "now do you remember your promise?" he smirked going in for a kiss that reminded chan he promised to have sex with hyunjin whenever he wanted, of course if chan wasn't in the mood hyunjin wouldn't force him. but hey, a promise is a promise and chan was definitely up for this one.

...

chan's alarm woke both boy in the matter of seconds, the eldest sitting up first to turn of the obnoxious sound, slightly pulling the covers off hyunjins bare body.

today was the day hyunjin would be attending class on his own. well, mostly on his own as he had 1 of 3 classes that day with chan. although the boy dreaded going, if he were to miss anymore there would be major consequences with the school faculty.

chan got out of the bed heading to the washroom to cleanse his face and brush his teeth. as for hyunjin, he sluggishly got up from the bed walking over to his dresser grabbing a long sleeve tshirt and a pair of khaki cargo pants that he'd match up with his favorite rundown converse. "smoke" he mumbled to himself, he wanted to smoke before class so he'd feel less stressed about the eyes that were sure to be on him. although hyunjin knew chan preferred him to ask to smoke, hyunjin hadn't been thinking clearly as he began to rummage through chan's belongings to find the backpack that contained his weed.

eventually he found the bag in chan's small closet and unzipped it quietly to look for his dab pen. what he did not expect was to see chan had kept his heroine as needles. he shook away the pulsing thought as he reached his had in to grab his pen but fell unfortunate when his finger was pricked. he winced at the pain, and continued to keep looking through the bag but no avail.

stressful, it was stressful. he wanted to get high and the only drug he could find was the one that ruined his life. but he couldn't take it—he wanted to—but he couldn't. he promised too many people that he wouldn't go back there, but addiction is strong. always finding a way back.

"just a little bit" he mumbled, closing his eyes tight to process what his body was aching to do. every inch of his body telling him to take it, take the drugs, it'll all feel better. "just a little bit" he repeated again pulling the substance out of the bag.

why did chan keep it? it's simple, he hadn't a clue where to put the ton of needles and syringes along with the heroine. he could have flushed it but he never did. it may have been stupid but when you're busy taking care of someone and had the substances hidden and out of mind, you forget. forget it's really there. there wasn't room to blame chan, we all make simple mistakes. he genuinely thought hyunjin would never get his hands on it.

"no no no no, hyun!" chan said rushing over to the boy sitting by his closet, the bag pulled onto his lap, unzipped. he pulled the backpack off his lap to see he had the small bag of substances in his hand. "hyunjin look at me!" he demanded, yet the boy kept his head down. shocked in a state where he felt vulnerable and useless. "look at me!" he yelled this time, ripping the drugs from hyunjins hand. when hyunjin failed to look up yet again, chan gripped his face and lifted up his chin harshly.

hyunjin was then met with the tears eyes of chan, weather it was disappointment, pity, sorrow, or anger, hyunjin didn't care. all he could think about was how easy it seemed for him to slip up once again. "please tell me you didn't fucking take any of this!?" the older yelled once again, hyunjin still in to much of a shock to flinch nor answer.

the lack of answer and the blank expression on hyunjins face led chan to think he actually used the drug again. he felt like he failed, fucked up, and it hit him once again that this truly was his fault this time. "fuck fuck FUCK god fucking dammit!" chan stood up out of aggravation and kicked the wall with rage, holding his head as if he were going crazy. this can't be happening is all he thought as tears streamed down his face.

hyunjin snapped out of it and weakly grabbed on to chan's pant leg, tugging on it to gain his attention. "i-i didn't" he whispered, feeling his own tears trailing down his face knowing he cause chan this much worry.

the elder looked down at hyunjin who stared back at him with glossy eyes. "i didn't do it" he repeated. chan fell to his knees and wrapped hyunjin in a secure embrace, both hand placed on the back of hyunjins head. "thank god" he breathed out, relief lacing his voice. "don't scare me like that hyun-"

"but i wanted to..." hyunjin admitted, feeling guilty he caused so much stress just from the simple action of having the drugs in hand. it's true, he wanted to take it, feel that feeling again. he knew it was dangerous but when you're a recovering addict, that's what you chase.

"i know hyun, it's hard. i'm just glad you're okay."

"me too..." the youngers tone was alarmingly unsure, but that was something that chan would have to put trust in. hyunjins words is all he could believe, since he never had and never will have the mind of an addict.