Those Ocean Eyes and That Charming Smile

020

No, no, no.

I was having a good day.

Shopping with Natasha.

Dancing with Bucky.

I suddenly wake up with nerves spiking down my arms and in my chest that takes my breath away and snaps my eyes open with a small gasp that hurts when it is shot into my lungs. I immediately push myself off of the bed like I used to when it was the floor but I was laying on my stomach with my head shoved underneath the pillow trying to stop the thoughts to quiet my already rapid breathing so I don't wake Bucky up who is sleeping soundlessly. Needing to get up and out of this room, I sit up on my knees and look around my room to see Bucky sleeping with his back to me and the covers bunched up by his waist. I don't give him a second glance and climb off the end of the bed so I don't wake him up.

Feeling my feet hit the carpet, more spiking pain erupts in my feet and legs almost sending me to the floor and a grunt pushes up through my lips to voice my discomfort but I press them together and with the strength I have, I walk the short distance to the bathroom and use my entire body weight to push the suddenly heavy iron door open. I make it safely into the bathroom and flick on the light without caring about how bright they are because they are dimmed down by the dial pinched between my fingers so they are now resting at a comforting sunset glow that calms me but not enough.

When I look in the mirror and gaze at my face, it is bright red with memories lifting blood to my cheeks without it breaking the thin surface like it normally does. Invisible needles poke and prod at my cheeks that I can't see but feel when they run down my face and into my neck where they settle in my chest like a giant nest of nerves, leaving me scared of the inevitable but I left. My fingers lift to my cheeks and press into the skin, pulling my eyelids down from my eyes and tug my lips into a frown as I try to rub and scratch away the static feeling flowing freely and feral under my skin that feels uncomfortable to wear now. Red trails are left behind from my nails that etch themselves in my skin with it swelling up quickly and going pale when I press on them again to rub away the stabbing in my neck that is choking me from the inside out.  

"No, no, no, please." I whisper and slap my hands onto the counter to hold. "Ugh, this is not the fucking time." I groan softly

My arm feels like a ton when it moves over to the faucet and flicks on the cold water with the screaming stream pouring out of the expensive nose of the sink. It fills the bathroom with noise as every drop sounds like echoing gunshots in my ringing ears as I cup my shaking hands under the the water to collect the cold liquid and splash on my face like it will bring me clarity and snap me out of this Hellhole my mind sucked me into. It calms the redness in my skin but I still feel too tight and restricted like I can't move around at all. Next thing I know, my hands are tearing off my shirt with my frustrated whimpers at the neckline getting caught on my chin, ears, nose, fingers, and anything to stop me from getting better and with a huff, I throw it to the tile.

More water is splashed on my arms and chest, drenching my bra as scratchy, squeaky and rapid breaths lift my chest up and down at an unbearable pace for me to control so I am completely lost in my own body with no escape. It makes the needles zip down into my stomach and twist it all around in ways that hurt and make me clutch the tied string of my pajama pants that suddenly feel as if they were made for a toddler. My fingers shake to get them off before I curse and pull them down with the threads of the hem snapping in my ears that makes me wince and fill my eyes with captive tears that cloud my vision and make it hard to see much of anything. They stream down my face aiming to cool down the skin but it makes the redness deepen and I slap my hands on my face to get it to go away with no anvil or resistance.