Those Ocean Eyes and That Charming Smile

105

I never slept that night. Or the night after that. Or after that. Or after that. I just can't seem to get my racing mind to slow down and focus what I need to get done like eat and wash my clothes except for deep cleaning my entire room because that's what seems to distract me when I scrub the dried soap suds off the bath tub floor or pull hair out of the many drains of the shower but when I start, I can't ever finish because I eventually end up in a ball of misery, crying my heart out right when I get my gloves on. So, I took a break from cleaning and now sit at the island in the kitchen, not even fazed by my sleep deprivation that tries to drag my eyelids down. 

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but then again, they probably see the dark purple bags under my eyes and the far out look in my eyes when I don't look anywhere else but a wavy white piece in the marble counter top when I am trying to count the ripples of the different shades to distract my mind more and more until I cannot think of anything else. All of my wounds have healed from what Steve said and I refused to look at them either way so I never truly noticed until it didn't hurt to wash my body in the shower. Seems like when I don't sleep, my cuts and scrapes heal faster which confuses me because my mama always told me that our bodies heal after the day when we sleep.

Sure.

"Hey, kiddo." Clint greets as he walks into the kitchen. "I'm about to have some apples and peanut butter, do you want some?" He asks

"Mmm." I don't say anything and just nod, only glancing at him for a moment as he opens up the fridge to grab two red apples and sets them on the counter before he walks into the pantry to grab the peanut butter and sets his things on the island in front of me along with some plates and a knife

"When was the last time you got sleep, Y/n?" He asks when cutting the first apple in half where the sudden crack of the core and the knife hitting the glass plate makes my eyes blink from my thoughts that always consume me the second silence falls on my shoulders

"Four days ago." I answer in a flat voice

I can't lie, he'll know if I'm lying.

"Kiddo." He sighs and I resist the urge to roll my eyes at his soft tone

"I know what you're going to say." I speak. "And I'm trying."

"I believe you." He nods and slices both halves in slices. "I can see that you are. You are going on every mission Fury sends out and you are always in the laundry room washing and ironing everyone's clothes." He softly smiles

"I know." I repeat myself. "I have to clean more." I remind myself

"No, you don't." He disagrees and I look up at him. "You are trying to go back to what you think is normal in a blink of an eye. Like the last seven months of your life didn't exist." He completely and mercilessly calls me out and it makes my throat tighten

"Because that's what I am used to Clint!" I exclaim then sigh, instantly calming down at my sudden outburst while he stands there like he was expecting me to. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you." I rub my sleep sore eyes

"You're alright, kiddo." He accepts my apology. "It's good to let your emotions out even if it's screaming at the situation." He reassures me before moving onto the other apple

"It's just-" I sigh. "When my parents died, I had to go back home and act like nothing happened or Luca would beat me and if I showed emotion at HYDRA, I would get shocked." I explain

"You were forced to forget without understanding what was happening." He fills in for me when I can't come up with the words with my slow running mind full of fast driving thoughts

"Exactly." I nod

"You're still learning things about yourself. You may be behind on social development but, you're getting there." He smiles