The hate between us steverogersxreader

Chapter 30

TW: Mention of suicide, mention of rape, insecurity, and bad thoughts.

After he had fed me the strawberries, we just laid in the bed and watched some series on Netflix. I didn't really see the series we were watching. My eyes kept looking at the man who I was almost lying on. It wasn't my fault that I was almost lying on top of him. Cause if he didn't want to be used as a pillow or a teddy bear, then he shouldn't be so soft and huggable.  

"Baby, we should go to bed again. The clock is many," he told me while caressing my cheek. I snuggled closer to him even though I couldn't get any closer. I closed my eyes and heard him turn off the tv. "Princess, I need you to move so we can get under the duvet."

I removed myself from him so that we could get under the duvet. As soon as we got under the duvet, I moved over to him, so I could lay as I did before. I closed my eyes and held him tight before I went to sleep. 

"Sweet dreams, my princess," I heard Steve said right before he kissed my temple. 

~~~~~~~~ Morning cause we wanted to ~~~~~~~~

I woke up to Steve caressing my back. It was an excellent way to wake up. "Morning, Angel." I couldn't stop smiling at all the nicknames he had given me. "Morning, Capsicle," I said with closed eyes and a smirk on my lips. We decided to stay in bed for a few minutes, so we or more so I could get my strength to get out of bed. 

We walked into the kitchen and saw that they were all sitting and smiling at the dinner table. I took a banana, and Steve took some cereal. I don't know what kind of cereal he took, but it looked healthy. I sat beside Nat and Wanda cause I had missed my girls. They all asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was fine. I could see on Steve's face that he knew I was lying to them. But I didn't want to destroy their morning.

We all just kept laughing and smiling at each other. But, even though I smiled at them and laughed with them, I couldn't stop thinking about the thoughts I had yesterday and how I almost killed myself. I still felt like I shouldn't be here since I tried to kill them. "N/n, please don't say that." We called looked at Wanda since I hadn't sat anything. "What do you mean?" Clint asked Wanda since they all had no idea what she was talking about, and neither did I. "I accidentally read Y/n's thoughts."

I began feeling all their eyes on me, which made me feel sick. "Y-You read my thoughts?" I asked, slightly pissed but also anxious about how much she heard. "There were so loud. I tried not to read them, but it is hard when Steve's thoughts also are noisy," Wanda began to explain. "H-How much did you hear?" I asked, nervous. I could see that she didn't want to answer my question, which made me more nervous than before. "Only the part where you talked bad about yourself." I felt my chest getting lighter by her answer.

God. I'm so lucky she didn't hear the suicide attempt. 

And just as that thought came into my mind, I knew that I was screwed. "Suicide attempt?" She asked me, which of course, made everyone have a worried facial expression towards me. "When?" I heard them all ask me. I looked over at Steve for help. "Yesterday," Steve answered instead of me. They were now all looking at Steve for more answers.

"After the tests, we walked over to her room, and I left the room to get some snacks, but when I came back, she stood in front of the mirror with a razor blade in her hand and ready to slight her throat." I looked down cause I couldn't look them in their eyes without crying. 

There was quiet, and I knew why. They all wanted me to explain why I did it. "I-I just began to hear this voice in my head. That... Hmm... That kept telling me things." I looked up with tears forming in my eyes. Then, I looked around and saw that they all had tears in their eyes. "The voice kept saying that you all would be happier without me here and that I should do it. And then Steve came and took the razor blade from my hand," I finished. I hoped that they weren't mad at me for almost killing myself. 

I wanted to leave the room, but I knew that it wouldn't help. "We wouldn't be happier without you here," Nat told me, and they all agreed. Nat and Wanda began hugging me, and it felt nice. I tried to give them all a smile of happiness, but there was still sadness in the smile, which I could see hurt them. "We are all here for you," Tony said, and the rest nodded.

They are lying.

I kept smiling while they kept talking about everything. I was glad that they changed the subject cause I really didn't want to relive that place and what I almost did yesterday. I knew it was a stupid thing I almost did, but at that point, it felt like the only thing that could make them happy. 

I could feel Steve's eyes on me while I was talking with Nat and Wanda. I had a feeling that he knew that a little part of my smile was fake. I didn't want to look at him cause then he would give me a 'tell me what's wrong' look, and I don't wanna see that look. "Omg, Y/n, we should definitely go out shopping soon," Wanda said. I didn't feel for going shopping here soon. I felt safe in the tower, where there was security, not outside the building where everyone could get taken. 

"Can we maybe do it over the internet?" I asked them with a quiet voice. I didn't want everyone to know that I was scared of going outside the building. I know it is stupid. I am an Avenger who is scared of going outside, but that is just who I am now. "But we need to try the clothes," Nat said. I could feel that they kept insisting, but I didn't feel safe ou there. "I can't," I said, even quieter than before. "Why," they said in harmony. "I feel unsafe out there," I told them, but not too loud so the others could hear. 

They looked at each other and then at me. "But Y/n, you will have us to protect you," Wanda said to me while stroking my back. "Then where were you guys when I was being raped!" I yelled at them while tears fell from my eyes. I looked around and saw that everyone had stopped talking and looked at me with sadness in their eyes. "Y-You were raped?" I slightly nodded at Wanda's sentence. 

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A/N - The authors note

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