The parts you leave behind

Chapter 12*

Blair's POV

The sound of my feet hitting against the studio floor as I walk, penetrates my ears and I exhale while I continue to take my steps. I look down to the new black and silk pointe shoes, and my feet relax against the comfortable and familiar fabric before I look up.

When I do I see myself in the mirror and I take my looks in. I look like I haven't slept in a few days when it's actually quite the opposite and all I've been doing is sleeping. Then I wake up and dance, then go back to sleep once again. It's been like a cycle for the last few days, and as I meet my own eyes I can't stand the look at my face, and I turn around.

As I get into third position I look straight ahead of me before I do a plié, then begin to get into the dance while the music plays louder than I usually ever play it. Because I need something to drown out the sounds of my own head.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

The voices of a million people ring through my head. So many people told me that because they had no idea I've hardly known him for more than a few weeks again.

"We'll give you a moment alone."

They all said as I stood there in-front of where he was just laid to rest. With endless amounts of flowers, and people who were grieving him like he was the most amazing man to ever exist. Because he did so many good things right? He was such an amazing person, correct?

I stood there staring down at the hole with the casket of the man I once knew laying in it. Still. So still and silent now that it's just me that I can basically hear the rain as it falls against my skin. Each drop scorches me while I stand there feeling everything...and nothing.

My eyes close as I get into fifth position, and tighten my stance before I begin to do a tour en l'air, and I can feel the air brush against me as I do a double turn. When I land on my feet after a demi plié my arms lift, and I begin to dance on my toes while I sauté.

"You know what I never told you?" I questioned as I stood there looking down while tears threatened to invade my eyes. "I'm a liar. I try to be cold, and I try to not care...but I'm a liar."

I could feel the whisper of the last of my own words against my skin so I dance harder. I try to become tired so I can sleep off the feeling of my words. I try to spend more time in the air, doing things that I know aren't good for me so I can just forget. I want to forget.

"I lied to protect you and myself. I was trying to protect my feelings, and my life while I was hurting you. But you have no idea how you hurt me and I protected you? And I'm not talking about how you left...you had no idea I'm sick too."

But I don't act sick now. I don't act sick while I make my way into a Grande jeté, as my legs brush into the air and act as if they're being thrown. My jump made me land perfectly on my feet, and I don't take a second before I'm right back at it again. At exhausting myself.

"I'm not mad at you about that. I know you're not exactly in control of genetics or whatever...but I'm mad that you made me feel the need to hide that from you. Because I think knowing that would have hurt you more than my words ever did. But I couldn't do it."

I can do this. I can dance, and I can distract myself, and I can tire myself out so I don't have to feel. So I can just sleep later on and I don't have to think about those things anymore

"I wanted to hurt you...but I couldn't fucking do it." I cursed through gritted teeth while a tear fell out of my eye.

My ankle twist. And I can feel the pain shoot up in my leg but I don't stop. I go and I go. Switching from jumps, to turns, to going on the floor and getting right back up and the way my head pounds is a sign I should stop. So I don't stop.