The parts you leave behind

Chapter 52* (The letter)

Hayden's POV

I remember when I thought goodbyes were the hardest part of all. I mean the finality of it all seemed like it would rip you into shreds because of how unbelievable it is. The concept makes no sense, how someone could just be there one moment then gone the next. The thought always seems like the hardest thing to come to terms with.

But what people fail to realize during goodbyes is that the person is still there technically speaking.

The hardest part of all comes seconds after. Minutes after. Days, weeks, months. Just after is the hardest part because you realize that the earth is still spinning without that person, you realize that life has to go on without ever having another chance. And goodbyes are of course painful, but after the goodbye is when everything really settles in.

Sometimes I feel like I took my final breath the moment she took hers. I wish I could go back and rewind our time over and over again so I can remember what the air tasted like with her here because now it feels sticky and just to much. There is no fresh air, there is no purified breaths, it just feels like I'm taking in straight toxins as I sit here and live in regret for not living in the moment more.

It's been three months now since it happened. Since the goodbye, since I've been living in the hardest part of all. I've been trying to get back in with the motions, but I've had this problem where I've been separating myself from everyone lately because everything reminds me of her and the reminders are to much.

It's all just to much right now. I know she would be disappointed in me because of how I've been handling things. I've hardly been around anyone except for River, who I take to see Sarah and Luke and all of them once in a while but I don't talk while I'm there. I simply watch our baby because she seems like the only one who is able to remind me that things will be okay.

And I try to say that to myself as I play with the black bracelet on my wrist. The black crystal that's in the middle is filled with her ashes because she insisted on being cremated, in fear of bugs underground as she said. The thought makes me smile a bit but then the feeling settles in again and I breathe out.

I'm everything I shouldn't be right now. I feel guilty for even walking because I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel angry at her for leaving me here all alone. I feel fear that everything in life might go wrong at any moment. But I also feel numb. I feel like I can't even enjoy things these days, and all these selfish feelings are what have drove me to this point.

I'm sitting at the beach with the letter in my hand. I guess I just wanted to be somewhere where I feel close to her as I read her words in hope that they bring me back to life a little bit. I don't want to be like this forever, I don't want to feel like I'm just the walking dead and I won't let anyone see that. Especially not my child who gives me her gummy smiles, and is laughing but I don't even seem to be in the right place for that.

I think that's what broke me.

This morning she had just woke up and she was laying on her play mat while I sat besides her and I tickled her side as she gave me a gummy smile and kicked her little legs. At that moment I wanted to smile. I wanted to feel it wake something up inside me. But I couldn't feel it. I got up and held her as I immediately felt guilty and when she fell asleep in my arms I started bawling my eyes out because I can't even enjoy watching my daughter grow up I've become so numb.

So as I open this letter, that's my inspiration. And the fact that I shouldn't be angry at Blair for something she doesn't have control of. I shouldn't feel guilty for eating a meal, I shouldn't be feeling any of this. I just want it to stop hurting so much as I get the letter out with a shaky hand and blow out a breath.