The parts you leave behind

Chapter 17*

Blair's POV

Sometimes I think about the consequences of my own actions. I've never exactly liked to think about the outcome of things but what's life without the ending? There's always an end to everything in this lifetime, but some things we don't want to end. Some things we just don't want to face.

But when the time comes to face them we have no choice. And so I usually end up thinking about the outcome, or more so the consequences of things I knew were wrong or weren't supposed to happen. I overthink, and overthink about the future that I forget I'm currently living in the present.

So when I do something, I usually think about all the possibilities about what can happen. But what about the things that still happen in the present? I think so much about possibilities, and chances that I forget more things can add on to the problems we've already created. 

And all I want to do is close my eyes and stop everything. I don't want to live in the past, present, or future. I just want everything to stop around me because the thoughts are becoming to much to feel.

"Have you ever thought about joining the team?" Kaitlyn asks me and I stay sitting besides her with my eyes close to block out the sun. And the thoughts.

"No. I'm not a team player." I tell her.

I can feel her arm against mine from how close we're sitting considering we're leaning against a tree next to each-other in the courtyard of school. "I get that...are you in any clubs or anything?"

"I used to be on the dance team." I mumble at the distant memory of just last year and all the years before that. I liked that team.

"Oh yeah I remember." She breaths out then she sighs. "Are you okay? I came over here because I wanted to talk to you but you kinda looked...sad."

"Not sad. Just thinking." I shrug while I lay my hands on my thighs and I swear I can still feel where his touch burned me. The touch of his callous fingers against me still bombards my memory like it just happened a matter of seconds ago.

"About?"

I swallow harshly when I feel bile might come back up. I remove my hands from my thighs because I'm thinking about her soon to be boyfriend for fucks sake. My lips roll in my mouth so I can stop thinking about even the slightest graze of his against my own because I shouldn't be thinking about that when she's right next to me. I feel like she can hear my thoughts.

"Just some...personal stuff I guess." The mutter comes out harsher than I intended. "Sorry."

She puts a hand on my arm and I squeeze my eyes so hard they begin to ache. "Hey you're okay Blair. I just want to let you know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

My lips that I had put more ice-cream on so he could kiss it off, move after a moment. "Thank you. But I'm good."

"Okay," She said while giving my arm a squeeze then dragging her palm down my arm, she grabs my hand that was against his stomach and under his shirt. "but I can still be here while you think. My dads a therapist so I know a lot about how to help people figure out the stuff in their heads."

Oh my god I'm sorry. I almost yell while guilt over takes me. I'm sorry I almost kissed him. I'm sorry I wanted to kiss him. I'm sorry I teased and persuaded him. I'm sorry I scooted closer to him. I'm sorry I put the ice cream on my lips. I'm sorry I even ate the ice-cream in the first place because I feel like it might come back up as we speak.

"Yeah it's just...we're meeting my moms boyfriend tonight. And I never cared about her dating it's just that when college comes around," when I die, is what I mean. "I'm not going to be here to make sure she's okay so I'm nervous about leaving her all on her own in someone else's hands."