The parts you leave behind

Chapter 43*

Hayden's POV

Sometimes I'm positive that I can get through the hard things. So much so that, I wake up with a smile on my face that I mean, while I thank everything in the universe for letting me feel this happy. I can feel like everything has a worth in the end, and I look at the world as if everything happens for a reason and I like to say that in the end it's all going to be okay. Because getting through the hard things is the toughest part of all, but I really do try to see the end result more than anything.

But then...

I remember just how tough the hard parts are. I remember just how much resentment for the world I hold in, I remember how everything will never truly be okay in the end. And really the end result is actually the hardest part of all. It's like all these thoughts and memories choose to swarm my head all at once, and I feel like I can never get past the hard parts, which makes me terrified for the end.

And just when I think I've moved past the thoughts and I feel like I'll be okay, every truth I've been withholding in my brain comes rushing back. Because I am so helplessly brought back to them every time.

Yeah, helpless is actually the very way I've been feeling lately. Because everything I do isn't enough, and it'll never be enough due to the fact that it'll never actually get better. You're just stuck waiting for the end result. And the waiting is horrible, especially when there's nothing you can do.

"You okay man?"

I look towards Luke as I break out of my concentration, and I sit up a little straighter as I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Is she asleep?" He asks.

I nod again.

"What's going on?" The questions he prompts my way making me exhale because what's going wrong is, everything.

"She's just hurting." I shrug as I swallow the lump in my throat like I'm trying to swallow down her cries of pain from earlier.

"Damn...I wish there was something we could do. It's sucks she can't take her meds anymore." He sighs.

"She can...her doctor just said to wait until her first trimester is over just to be safe, and they'll have to give her a lower dosage." I inform him even though that time feels like it'll never come, and I don't want time to pass by fast but I also hate seeing her like this.

"Oh, well that's good it's not to far away then." He nods and sits back on the couch. "What are you thinking about? And don't try lying, I know things about you, that even you don't."

I smile a little before it drops and I look down to where I clasp my hands together. "I just wish there was a way I could help her. And I can get her a drink or medicine all I want, but it's only a bandaid. There's nothing I can do to physically stop it all from happening and it drives me crazy."

He nods his head because he gets it. He's known longer than I have and I'm sure he's thought about how useless you feel, a time or two. "At-least you're there though. It helps her to know that you're by her side. So thanks for sticking around."

I furrow my brows. "What do you mean sticking around?"

"It's just...at the beginning of this, when I found out about the two of you, I was worried about how'd you handle everything. Because trust me I know it's a lot, and imagining if I was in the same position as you was hard but you're still here and you're doing so good man."

Part of me hates that he ever thought I wouldn't stick around for her. But I also get it. It really is a hard thing to come across, I mean the fact that I'm willingly putting myself in pains way may seem idiotic to people, but I refuse not to have her. And if I have to deal with the pain of the situation to even hold her, then that's what I'm going to do because end result is I live in pain and I don't get to hold her. So I'm taking what I can for now.