The parts you leave behind

Chapter 22*

Blair's POV

Usually when people do chemotherapy it's so they can try and kill off the cancer cells. Alkylating agents are commonly used to stop your DNA cells from dividing, thus multiplying the cancer cells. It's what people use in hopes that it will all be okay one day. Because they know what's wrong but they don't know how wrong it is.

Except that's before people know they're terminally ill. After that point it doesn't matter if they stop the cells from dividing because it's already to late. So people like me use a different treatment called palliative chemotherapy. It's just use to prolong your life, and ease your symptoms, but never to cure.

Just to improve the quality of life if that's even something you can do at this point.

I went to my first treatment a few weeks ago. I didn't want anyone to go with me, because I just wanted to be alone while I sat in a chair with an IV in my arm as they gave me the medication slowly. And maybe I didn't really want to be there doing that alone, but that was supposed to be Me and Sams thing.

It felt good to have someone to relate to. I mean I love my family and friends but no one will ever understand me the way Sam did. She was the same age as me, also with brain cancer, and I've never felt more in my element with a person than when I was with her. It was just something about her that made me want to do everything to keep her safe. Except I couldn't do it.

So as I stand here looking as they lower down her casket, my brows grow a crease between them. It hurts so much. I never truly believed people when they said that they were heartbroken. I mean the heart is just an organ, and technically speaking it can't break.

But as I stand here with so pressure in my chest, I understand the meaning now. The way it feels like someone is squeezing your heart in their hands with all the strength they have. Or like someone stabbed you in your chest, because despite what I thought, you can feel sadness in your heart.

Swallowing the lump in my throat I look up to where Jackson stands there on his own. The rest of the people here are friends of Sams or of Jackson's. But other than that, there's none of their family here. It makes me sad for Jackson but I suppose I would want to be alone tonight too.

The service is quick and easy, and just how Sam would have wanted it because she hated anything complicated and hated being the center of attention. I almost smile at the thought of her face if someone were to tell her that there was a day where she was honored and remembered. But than any chance of me smiling falls when I realize that I won't ever get to see that.

"Hey." I hear someone say and I look over my shoulder to see Doctor jones approaching me.

"Hi."

She steps next to me then looks down as people just stand around and talk now, and Jackson is kneeling by the grave before he puts a single lily on the casket. "How are you?"

I wait a moment then I swallow. "I'm fine. You?"

"Good." She nods. "I always like to go to my patients funerals if I can. It's easier to remember I tried to help them the best I could because as a doctor it gets hard at times."

I nod in understanding. "I bet."

A moment of silence passes between us and then she speaks up again. "She was really strong. It's unfortunate we didn't have enough time to see things through."

"Does it hurt?" I ask her as I turn towards her and she furrows her brows. "When cancer takes you out, does it hurt? Was Sam in pain before she was just...gone?"

She furrows her brows slightly then sighs. "If I'm being completely honest? I don't know. It depends on the person, and only they truly know what it feels like. But I will tell you that at a point in time, you feel nothing."