The parts you leave behind

Chapter 51*

Hayden's POV

I'm not sure if it's possible to feel lost when you've been sitting in the same spot all night. Or at-least switching between two different places, but not going anywhere but in between, yet you still feel like you're going the wrong direction. As if you're reading the map upside down, like there was even a right destination to begin with.

But I don't mean I'm feeling physically lost. Technically speaking, I am because I have no idea where I'm supposed to be, but I feel lost within my head. I feel like my sanity slipped through the cracks and is now bouncing against my skull, because I can feel the beating and it has to be that. I don't understand how within this time, I've forgotten what I'm am or who I'm supposed to be.

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a dark and deserted forest, but no matter how much I scream and yell for help, nobody hears me.

Maybe I'm lonely? I think it's that. By this time, Blair is usually already in my arms, and she's smiling and laughing because it's the middle of the day and her energy levels were way up at this time from being home all day.

But now I don't have anything in my arms. I don't see a smile with my gaze, I don't hear a laugh penetrate my ears. It became routine to do these things with her, to hold her against me like I was trying to glue us together and maybe part of me was because now that she's not right here, I feel so alone. I feel lost and alone, and everything in the book but I keep it in.

This isn't the time to break.

"You want something to eat?" Luke asks.

I shake my head, but I continue to look at her face because I feel like if I look away for a second she'll disappear.

"Dude...I know things are hard but you haven't eaten anything. You haven't even drank anything, you need to take care of yourself too." He sighs.

I'm too nauseous to take anything down, I'm afraid the second I do I'll throw it right back up because my stomach is at my feet right now. It has been since the moment she went limp in my arms two days ago.

Yep, two whole days here. Watching Blair. Watching River. Everyone including the doctors tell me that I need to go home and rest, but I'm not missing anything. Like I said, I feel like if I look away she'll be gone, and that applies to our baby too because I feel like everyone I love is just going to go now. And I can't do that, I mean I can't even take care of myself while Blair is sleeping, how am I supposed to survive when I know she'll never wake up from that type of sleep.

"I'll get something soon. Plus I have to go see, River after I leave here, I'll uh...I'll get some water after that." I say to satisfy him while I run a hand through my hair.

"You need food. And sleep. I swear man, we'll wake you up or come get you if anything happens, but even just like thirty minutes in that chair right there will be better than nothing."

I shake my head again. I'm not doing it, I'm not taking my chances, because last time I did that look where it got me. I chose to live within the moment so I can be happy instead of paying attention when I should've known something was wrong, I was supposed to keep her safe and I failed.

I failed them both.

"I'll stay with her. I mean what is sitting here watching her going to do? You're only making time go by slower." His voices sounds as if it's aggravated because he chooses to be mad when he doesn't know what to feel.

"That's good." I whisper. Please slow down as much as you can.

"She wouldn't want this for you. She'd want you to be strong."