Is this what you call love?

Prologue

"How are you feeling today, Ryujin?" My doctor ask.

"The same. Broken and in constant pain" I say in a serious tone.

"I'm glad you're finally able to express those feelings. That's a move towards the right direction in the process of healing."

"How did you sleep last night?" She ask.

"I didn't."

"Nightmares?"

"Is it really a nightmare if it's something that happened in the past that still haunts you to this day? Nightmares are supposed to go away once you wake up but I continue to live in mine" I say.

"There was nothing you could have done, Ryujin. Do you think your friends blamed you for what happened? Your family? They were in the wrong place at the wrong time" she calmly says.

I'm currently talking to my psychiatrist. The military thought it was a good idea that I see one. They discharged me for medical reasons from my duty after witnessing my friends blow up in front of me.

"If it's not my fault then why am I still here talking to you while my friends are buried and their families are grieving."

"Tell me, Ryujin. What could you have done? You said that they stepped on a land-mine, how could you have prevented that when no one else in your platoon knew they were there? I understand you probably feel guilty that you're alive and we will work on that because it's not your fault."

"You still haven't told me exactly what happened, do you think you're ready now?" She ask.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Without noticing, I open them again and my hands are making a fist. "My friends wanted to leave base and have some fun. I told them we shouldn't because then our commander would definitely get mad at us and probably punish us but they said I need to loosen up and have fun. Despite begging for them to stay, they still went so I felt like I had no choice but to follow. We carefully snuck out of the base. Once we were out, they took off running leaving me behind as a joke. They laughed while telling me to catch them."

"I took off running too and after about ten steps, I heard something click from the distance and next thing I know, there's a loud explosion and I'm being blown away then I remember nothing else. I woke up in a hospital then the commander told me what happened. I just keep remembering the moment where they blew up before it knocked me out."

I break down crying since it's the first time I've really said what happened out loud to anyone that wasn't in the military. She let me cry for a good twenty minutes before I finally get myself together.

"They're the people that helped when I was struggling adjusting. My parents was always scared of something happening to me so I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things growing up. So as soon as I became old enough. I joined the military because I didn't need their consent. My troop took care of me when I first joined. They looked after me and treated like I was their baby sister. How can I live and enjoy life? How can I move on knowing I survived and they didn't?"

"Moving on sounds like I'm abandoning them" I look down.

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting them or removing them from your life. Moving on means acceptance. Accepting the tragedy that happened is not your fault so you can live your life the way I know they would want you to. You said they care for you so they would want what's the best for you" She says, trying to comfort me.

"No one blames you for what happened, Ryujin."

Even if people don't blame me, the guilt is still there.