Is this what you call love?

46-R

"Ryujin, where are you going?" Chan stops me by going in front of me.

"I almost made a mistake" I say while internally freaking out.

"What happened in there?" He looks worried.

"She told me she loved me and I almost said it back" I say.

"And? What's wrong with that?"

"I don't know if I do or not. What if I said it and turns out that I didn't love her then I would hurt her and hurting Yeji is something I never want to do" I close my eyes because my brain and my heart is going crazy.

"You know you never say anything you don't mean so if you were willing to say it then maybe you mean it" he tries to be reasonable.

"That's not true. I say plenty of things that I don't mean. Sometimes I say you look good when you're trying new things but really you look weird" I admit.

He sighs, "Okay, that's a topic we will discuss later but did you think about just telling Yeji that you're not ready to say you love her instead of running away? You left her alone in the bathroom."

I sit down on the ground, "I'm a bad girlfriend, aren't I? I knew I wouldn't be good at it. I shouldn't have agreed to dating Yeji. I should have just ignored my feelings. This is all too much for me. I don't deserve love."

He sits down next to me. Neither one of us care about the fact that we're in the middle of a hallway in our apartment building.

"Are you sure that you're not trying to sabotage your relationship with her? Do you still feel guilty? You know, I'm sure that if they were here then they would be excited to meet Yeji and they would be happy for you."

"Will I ever be okay?" I ask in a whisper like.

He gives me a side hug and I let him. "I think so. I mean take a look at yourself compared to before. Back then you wouldn't even talk to us and you would lock yourself up in your room but now you're out here wondering if you love your girlfriend or not. I can't say if you're okay but isn't that heading in the right direction of being okay?"

"You don't have to tell her you love her back but at least explain your fears to her. I think she deserves that. I'm sure she knows that you might not feel the same yet when she said that" he says and that confuses me.

"Why would she say it if she doesn't expect me to feel the same?" I ask.

"It's something people do at times. We confess our feelings with the hopes that they feel the same but we also know that there's a chance that they won't but we still do it" he explains.

"That doesn't make sense. Wouldn't it hurt?"

"It could if they don't feel the same but I think it's better to know than wonder the what if? Do you truly believe in your heart that you'll never love her?" He makes me think. I know I've had a similar question with Yeji but I thought that was just a random question.

I think about it for a moment and he allows me to process things without saying a word. He let me go now and he's waiting for me to speak again. I do appreciate him for taking the time to really understand me to know to do things like this.

"Would my friends' families hate me if I fall for Yeji? Their family member never got the chance to experience things like this while I'm here with Yeji?"

"If you were in their shoes, would you be unhappy to see your friend happy even though you can't have it for yourself?"

"I just feel like by fully accepting Yeji then I'm completely moving on from them" I get choke up by my emotions.