Is this what you call love?

5-R

"Are you okay, Ryu?" Felix ask while we drive home from the bar.

"Yes, why?"

"It didn't work out with that Lucy girl" he gives me a sad smile.

"It's okay. Trial and error I guess. It was my first attempt and it didn't work out. If there's a next time with someone else then maybe they'll like me. I think Judy is still cool though" I shrug my shoulders while I look out the window.

"The way you're speaking right now, its hard to believe that you really was interested in getting to know her."

"She's not interested in getting to know me so why would I force myself to her? She did bring up good points. This friend thing is hard" I say as I face him again.

"Well, it's her lost" he pats my shoulder.

I really appreciate Felix when I feel like he's in his big brother mode. Maybe that's why I never thought of having more friends because I'm happy with him and Chan. They not only accept how I can be different, they actually embrace it.

"I'm sorry your time with Julia got cut off though" I sigh.

"Its okay. I was there for you."

He looks straight ahead but he looks like he's thinking. I don't question him because if he wants to share it with me then he'll say something.

I go back to looking out the window. I am a bit sad that Lucy didn't want to be friends with me but I think that's a normal feeling to have. I was also glad that she didn't want to be friends. I sometimes get confused with my emotions.

When I showed excitement about getting to know Lucy, a part of me felt so guilty for feeling excited. It's hard when you constantly feel you don't deserve the life you have.

I know people keep telling me that it's not my fault and they would want me to live happily but it's really easier said than done. They weren't there to see what I witnessed. They don't know how much I miss them. They don't know how much I loved and care for them. To be the only one to survive puts pressure on me whether I like it or not.

If Lucy and I did become friends then would they feel like I'm forgetting them? Chan and Felix became my friends because they insisted to be friends with me. They wouldn't leave me alone but it wasn't easy for me to accept them. There's times where I still feel guilt for having them as friends.

"You know that even if Chan and I start dating someone that we won't leave you behind, right?" Felix speaks in his low tone.

"Huh?" I look at him because it was sudden.

"Like we won't leave you alone or leave you behind. If you do choose not to be with anyone, romantically, we will always be here for you. If the time comes where we have to move out then I'll make you live with me and whoever I'm with. We're not gonna leave you alone, ever."

"Doesn't that make me sound like a burden?" I question.

"It's not supposed to. I just wanted you to know that we will always be here for you. I don't want you to feel like you have to find another friend because of what we said before" he explains.

"Thanks Felix" I smile at him.

"Can we go back there some other day though?" I ask.

"What?" He seems really surprise by what I said.

"Are you gonna keep trying with Lucy?" He questions.

"No but Judy is there. I think we can be friends. Don't you think? I told her about my PTSD and she seems to be understanding. No offense but I want to know what it feels like to have a friend that's a female. You and Chan are cool but it can be too much" I tease him.