Help me

[Eng]

20.06.2022

Because sometimes it's just to much, everything is to much, the people are to much, the words are to much, the looks are to much, the voice in my head are to much, the feelings are to much, my thoughts are to much, my mistakes are to much, the panic is to much, just like everything is to much, my breath starts to go harder and faster, I start shivering, winking so I can stay keep my mind, start hurting myself by the Gummi on my wrist, start overwhelming and just want to leave eventhough I can't, I just can't leave, pretending everything is fine, pretending that I'm okay eventhough I'm clearly not, but noone notices or if someone does, he or she doesn't talk to me about it, sometimes I wish that someone would notice, see it and ask to talk with me, ask what's wrong, being there, sometimes I wish someone would see the situation I'm in and would save me, But the moment I realize what I am thinking, is the moment I'm hating myself even more, because of this thought of mine, and then I start to hate myself for everything even more.
But then there's a comfort person in this group (today volleyball) and eventhough I don't really know him, he makes it a little better, by believing in me, by saying something, nobody would care about and helps me get that fucking shit, helps me to make it better, because he made me see another situation that's been a good evening.
But then there are people who scare me, take my trainer for example, he tells me I'm wrong that much, tells me how to and sometimes makes fun of it- might not be that bad for you, but it is for me, because I always get told I'm doing it wrong, my mind starts racing and I'm feeling not good enough, feeling like I wouldn't belong there, feel like they would be better of without me. But then my comfort person.. he doesn't know about it though, he tells them how good I was two weeks ago when we played outside, eventhough there's so much pressure coming with this, it makes it a little better, because I see that there's someone caring, thinking I'm not that bad, I'm thankful for that, if I'm honest
Because everything is just to much, it helps to calm my mind down and makes me feel a little better. That's probably an answer to the question why I'm cutting and hurting myself in other ways, but there is never an answer that good enough, that's really the answer, I don't know myself, I hate myself more with every cut, I one promised I would never cut, but now I do and I hate myself for it, you know? That hurts so much, knowing you broke that promise, knowing you will disappoint everyone if it comes out, knowing I could never look at them again, knowing that they know.