22/09/2022
fuck fuck, shit shit my mother nearly saw my failed attempt yesterday evening I don't know? how she actually didn't see the long cut on my whole underarm, but I'm no glad she didn't.
I guess it would have caused so much trouble. But you know what I am asking myself? If she knows (she always acts as if she knew) Why isn't she doing anything? Why isn't she checking up on me, on m stupid mental health. But probably its because my sister also did. but for attention. It stopped when my mother stopped caring, at least thats what she says. I kinda wish she knew and cares, A kinda wish anyone would do anything about it or at least check. You know? It's stupid because I don't want anyone to know about it (okay, pretty many of my friends do know, but they kinda are doing the thing and I wish I could help them, stop them.. make them feel better, but it seems like I can't. My arm really hurts but it's like a bad addiction. The pain wouldn't let me move my arm. but i love the feeling. At least I can feel something at all and thats something good isn't it?
Maybe this is just that good because it makes me feel through all the emptiness and numbness? Every time I take the train, am in School, when I am anywere I just want somebody to notice what is going on I just really can't take it anymore. You know how terrible it feels when death and killing yourself are the only thing you can think about all the time? When you see a train driving through on the station the only thing you can do is stare at the tracks and want to be in front of the fucking train.. Do you know how much this shit hurts? When a scary man sits next to you in the train, and the moment you see him you start to hope that he will kidnap, hurt and/or kill you, you want to be taken out of this world, you want to see who cares, you want to die.
You're looking at the streets, the cars driving fast and you just want to take that one step and hating yourself for not being brave enough to do this. Do you know how much that hurts? I don't want to feel or think this way anymore okay?!!! can't stand all the voices in my head and an the god damn thoughts.
YOU ARE READING
Help me
RandomTW Das hier ist wahrscheinlich nichts für Menschen, denen es psychisch nicht gut geht, die mit Depression, Ängsten oder irgendwas in dieser Richtung zu tun haben! Großteils sind es Gedanken und Situation, Texte die aus dem Moment heraus entstehen...
