Help me

[Eng]

late night thoughts.

do you actually know how hard it gets to talk somebody out of suicide, to be there for somebody and help when you literally don't feel a single thing? when you don't give an actual fuck. well I do.
for god's sake I hate myself so much. I can't take that shit for so long, I mean, I am not good enough, not good enough for anything I literally can't do anything right, I'm a mistake, I'm somebody to leave, I don't understand why some people even stay or want to get to know me. you know, I Always try to be there for be people, please them, help them, make them happy but while doing this I don't feel a single thing. and I for real don't know what hurts more. the actual pain or that I can't feel anything of it.
I mean there is just.. nothing? literally nothing. no pain, no love, no hate, not a single thing. there are people that can make me feel for some time but it gets worse afterwards. my bunnies, spending time with some people. you know also at night, I hate nights, it's getting worse cause nothings stops my mind. at night the cuts get worse, deeper, more blood and I can't help but fall in love with that special tone of red even more with every single minute. I hate nights, I don't wanna sleep, I feel like if I want to be not okay, I am not allowed to sleep. I hate nights because I find security in the violence of the silence that's overtaking everything, the violence of my mind, the violence of my mind.
I don't wanna fall asleep, knowing I'll wake up in the morning facing everything over and over again, I don't wanna know that I'll be at the same point tomorrow and forever, but also I don't want to recover, I found peace in the violence, peace in giving not a single fuck about myself and saving people day by day, still hoping somebody would hear my screams for help like this.
I'll give life one last try, I'm scared as hell they deserve so much better then me, they deserve the world, they deserve love, pure love, better then the love I can give. basically I kinda don't care about anybody or about anybody leaving, if they just block me or something, but I could never, never let somebody kill themself because it'd be my fault, I wasn't good enough, I couldn't save them, so I keep talking, saying that everything will be better and that suicide is not the way to go having a blade in my hand, dragging it over my goddamn arm over and over, telling them that it's gonna be okay and helping them out of it without being able to believe a single word for myself, while getting deeper and deeper into it.
getting deeper into my mind who needs to tell me I didn't get deep enough, because others got deeper, hit a vein or something, telling me I'm to fat and that they didn't eat for three days in a row so I need to get four or more, otherwise I wouldn't be able to do even that, I'd be useless, I need to take my life away, at least try and accepting it as try because I don't, I never accept anything as an attempt, it's not deep enough, it's harmless. I need an attempt to be heard, to deserve help but even then I don't, my cuts aren't that deep, the voices not that loud, see I can smile I can laugh I'm perfectly fine. can't you see that?
you don't deserve help, you can eat, you don't throw up, you're weighing to much and not to few so you don't need help you're fine, you get yourself down for about less and less calories a day but you don't Starve yourself you're fine. you look into the mirror, hating the picture in front of you, hate the fat and hate your chest, hate your face and hate your scars, hate your hair and hate your eyes, eyes drowning in pain and the feeling of being helpless, eyes seeing so many things they don't want to see, eyes that beg for help but no-one cares. eyes that keep quiet because there are no tears coming up, no tears are falling on the ground, but there still get stains, stains from the red liquid your body produces, red stains on the ground, another scream for help. oh I just cut my finger, don't worry, I just fell, that's nothing. and again noone sees,
feeling left out, left alone and just wanting to ghost everyone, not being able to talk to some people the way you probably should talk to them, disappointing people, not getting good enough grades. but noone cares, maybe someone does but noone cares enough.