Help me

[Eng]

26.06.2022

You know, sitting there, right on the rails, you see the police driving over the level crossing just a few meters further, think they might have seen you, get up and go to the platform. You notice them turning towards the train station, sit on the ground by your bike, hear a car driving on the gravel towards the platform, turn around and realize it's the police. You get scared, you almost panic. You don't hear them anymore, you just know that they are there and then a little later you hear the car doors slamming shut. You don't see them, minutes pass and Then they come along the platform, past the disused station building and in your direction. You get even more scared until you realize that they are not coming to you. They check the train station, make sure everything is in order and look around, noticing me but saying nothing, no greetings. The two policemen walk back, slowly, finding something that Is not OK, write it down and document it. And then you watch them go back to the car, past the old station building again. And all of a sudden, you realize how much you wished, how much you wish they saw, that they noticed, that they noticed How bloodied your arm is hidden under the sleeve. You wish they had seen you, the pain, the blade and The death wish. You wish they had saved you. You watch them until they disappear from view and again you hear the car doors and then it's quiet again. Your heart rate is still too high, your stress level has gone from 10 to 85 and you're almost crying. You listen to see if you can hear anything, but there's nothing, just the faint thunder and the birds. A fee minutes later you hear the cops leave. You realize how badly you want the help you deny yourself. You realize how much you cry for help, how much you beg for help, silently and quietly.You want nothing more than someone to hear your silent cry, for someone to redeem you and for things to finally get better, but you won't ask for help Because you don't deserve it, because you don't want it, because you're okay, aren't you? You're so damn scared, you know, if the police saw anything, your parents would know, but you don't want them to know.You want to leave, leave this world, but you can't, you don't even feel the pain, even if you try to do so damn much of it to yourself. You see, The way the blood runs down your arm, drips onto the floor and slowly stains it red, you love it and hate it so much at the same time, hate needing it, hate not being able to get rid of it. You hate yourself so much for doing it but you can't do anything without it, even if you don't even feel the pain. You feel lost, helpless and look for help, but get none. Nobody will help you, nobody will save you, because nobody cares, they don't care, nobody would listen, nobody would do anything, because that's what you see in their messages.  You see it in the words they choose and those which they don't say , see it in what they do. And you feel the memories killing you inside over and over again And break you, but you mustn't show it, nobody must see it. You're afraid, afraid of this world, afraid of people and yet you can't do anything, you're defenseless at the mercy of everything And the only way to escape is dead and you have three ways, three ways you can still go: the blade, the skyscraper and the train.