Help me

[Eng]

20/9/2022

I probably really love her.. I am in a relationship Currently, but I think I don't love them, at least one of them, K, because I kinda don't feel at all. when I am with her I am so clingy. I answer immediatly and want to have her around 24/7. I feel like I don't care enough about K. I kinda want to break up, but I know that I can't, it would probably break them even more I don't want to be one of the persons that ruined their life even more in the end. I promised to stay, I can't just leave. Well I kinda am annoyed by them? I don't want to text them at this point, I want to be back to the times we texted everyday, back to the days when it was fun having them around and spending time with them. I miss it I feel helpless around them, knowing that I am not good enough to help them. When they were here in summer, it kinda was fun, but it kinda was just to much sometimes. Maybe it's the feeling of betrayal, knowing that they text. call, cuddle and something with the one person I hate so much, when they know exactly what he did. Goddamn they knows and once they hated him for what he did I want to leave them, tell them they should take and choose him instead of me but I can't I don't want them to kill themselves. And then there is M I know that he kinda is one of the best persons alive, but I kinda don't really feel anything. When We met I kinda Loved Spending time with him, but in the end I just really wanted to leave. I don't really enjoy texting with him anymore, maybe because it's always just comforting him and being there for him, eventhough I am close to killing myself. I just can't do it anymore. but I can't and won't tell him. He already feels like a burden and as if he doesn't deseve to be loved eventhough he is fucking beautiful. I feel like failing, at Showing him how beautiful he is and how much he deserves. I feel like I am not good enough to be with him, he deserves so much better I feel helpless When I am texting with him because I can't really do anything. I feel like I am some times just making everything even worse. I just wish I could make him happy and Show him how great life can be but it seems Like I couldn't.
But Then there is her you know? I love being around her so much. I am not really sure if I love her. like really told me she fell in Love her. But it can't be just telling myself that I do because this already started before she told me she fell in love with me. But it's also scaring me, her behaviour is scaring me, because she somethines makes me feel so important to her and so loved And sometimes she is kinda ignoring me, leaving me on read for hours. Sometimes she holds me close, cuddles me, doesn't like when I leave and sometimes it's just like she really doesn't so I feel like I would annoy her if I texted her whenever I wanted to, Showed her all of the tiktoks and so on. I hate the feeling of being left on read by her, even more then I hate this when somebody else does this. She is one of the persons I really couldn't take losing because she is one of the most important humans I have in my life. I don't know what I'd do if i Lost her, and then I can't Imagine losing her I want her to be in my life forever. Eventough I don't like when she's smoking" this one thing, I feel really save around her and in her arms. She's literally so damn beautiful, I can't understand why she can't see this. She's hurt and I hate that, I hate not being able to help her or make her Smile. I hate the people who hurt her, I hate their words and what they did. She really is beautiful and I want to show her. I love her smile. I absolutely love her smile And her pulli, her Pulli, smelling like her so damn much. I don't understand my fucking feelings. She is the only one I was able to text with, the only one I was able to share some things, nearly everything with. I want to see her happy, she really deserves the best. I don't think that I am good enough for her. I am so fucking scared to lose or hurt her especially with this thing going on. I didn't lose everyone I loved or had this love-things going on with but most of them. Also I guess I have never realy felt this way, the way I feel around her.
I just really hope she is happy. That's kind of the most important thing to me. If I could I would un-do all the bad things that happened to her, eventhough I might not have got to know her.

To the people loved before, I would say that I really. am sorry about all the things that happened, for all the pain I caused them, for all the things I said and did over time I wish I could turn back time. I actually only regret the people I "loved", only the people I didn't actually want to be in a relationship with. Only a few people who weren't one of the good choices I made. I regret Staying so long by some peoples side. I regret giving them everything.
To the people I loved before, sorry that I wasn't the one you could spent your life with, sorry for not being your forever-person that makes you as happy as you deserve, sorry for hurting you and thank you, thank you for everything you did for me thank you for existing in this world. And I am sorry for making you feel bad. sorry for making you worry about me Please do not, never, forget your worth. Because you are worth it. you deserve happiness, you deserve to be loved you're great the way you are.

- Love, failed love and failing love