Help me

[Eng/Ger]

2019/2022

ye,s yes, I want to kill myself.
yes, I think it would be better for everybody on this world.
yes, I do hurt myself.
yes, it's getting even worse everyday. yes, I hate myself.
yes,I hate my fucking life
and yes, I say I'm fine, but I am not

I'm at the lowest I've been in a long time now, you could probably even say ever, but I would never say a word becaust I'm fine you know? There are people who are even worse, so I shouldn't complain. But I just really Want to leave this world, but somehow I can't, I can't Leave behind all the people who love me or who I love in one or another way. I don't want to be the reason why they feel bad or are in pain. Most of them really deserve so much better as what they are going through. So if you are reading this I am sorry.

All of them joking around about killing themselves, about selfharm and being so depressed that sometimes triggers so f'n bad, but you can't say a word without giving up on hiding everything, you can't let them see.
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! Goddamn jokes about dead and hurting Stabbing themselve cause of a (not even written) test! That's stupid, fucking stupid and triggering.
Aber niemand dieht es und niemand darf es sehen, niemand darf den Schmerz in meinen Augen, die Angst, das Verlangen, das wurde nicht gut enden.
Well, jemand, einer meiner Freunde, an der neuen Schule musste gestern vom Selbstmord abgebracht werden.. Nun ist er in (Not-)/Krisenintervention  und mehr haben wir von ihm nicht gehört. Heißt, er ist für 24h in der Klinik.
I do not want this. I'm Scared. Jeder wurde es wissen, Lehrer, Mitschüler, meine Eltern. That's pure horror. Vielleich würdee es halt eh keinen weiter interessieren, aber ich will es nicht. Ich weiß, dass ich vermutlich sehr vier langer in der Psychatrie festsitzen würde, wenn jemand meine Arme sehen würde, dies lesen, die Geschichten von mir aus Wattpad oder meine Notzen und Chats lesen würde. Ich möchte das nicht I mean a few people know that I selfharm, one even saw what I did, aber all das Zusammen wäre noch ein ganz anderes kaliber. Ich schaff es vermutlich eh nicht mehr so lange bei dem was momentan so abgeht. Ich habe so viele Menschen verloren. Ich scheine immer mehr bei allem zu verkacken, was auch immer es ist. Schule, Freunde, Liebe, kind sein, halt wirklich einfach alles.
Ich habe es halt irgendwie aufgegeben, yk? Jemandem alles zu erzählen, Am Endeffekt kommt doch eh keine Redation oder sowas wie "okay" oder "uff". And das tut halt genauso weh, also kann ich halt eigentlich auch gleich den Mund halten oder nicht? Dann kann ich doch die Gedanken und Gefühle gleich einfach weiter verdrängen und begraben. Ich glaube niemand Versteht wirklich das was ich sage wenn ich etwas sage Es muss nicht unbedingt so sein aber mir kommt es einfach so vor.

Being paralyzed, not able to move, not able to do any thing after being yelled at, Trying not to cry. Trying to ignore your desire to cut open your arms and trying to unalive yourself because you can't do this to her. Fighting the tears in your eyes and then you're numb. You are still paralyzed but numb, no feelings, no pain, just literally nothing. you can literally hear the disappointment in your mothers voice and you feel even more worthless. You can't even really keep up with school any more. You can't do anything right, you can't make anyone proud or happy. You can't help anyone you are way to stupid for everything, even for unaliving yourself. Your parents deserve this you think. your friends wouldn't care your mind says. It could be so much better if you killed yourself, you're not even strong enough to write this in an i-perspective.
You slowly fill this book up, bit by bit, page by page and you can't even read your own words all you can see are blue lines on nearly white paper. You can't listen to the music playing in the background you can't focus on what you are writing. And again. you realized that you switched into english as you always do. You want to get out of here. out of this house, away from your parents, away from everything.
away from the words. Away from your "friends", from the people you love in one way or another, away from school, away from all of the pressure. All you can think about at this point is to open up your veins, feeling the pain, punishing yourself and your parents. You can't really feel any thing and that is feeling kinda even worse. you hear the music play, you recognize the song thats playing, but you can't listen to it, you're losing track of time and each minute, each second you're scared that your mother will barge into your. room you're scared of going down for dinner because your father will be there. You should learn for tomorrow, you will write an important Test but you can't focus on anything Nothing Will got into your goddamn head and you hate yourself even more. You are probably only making things up. you have everything you need, youre an attention seeker. it's stupid thats what you think, it's true, you're fine, you shoud just shut the fuck up, you don't deserve it, you don't deserve anybody of the people around you, you don't deserve any kind of love or affection. Your only job is taking care of everyone else, you're there to help them but you can't even do that.
you're getting fatter every day and you still eat, thats so stupid, you do not deserve to eat. You should vomit everytime you try! You should not drink, probably water but not even that! Youre not even strong enough to last a day or two, try harder! The only thing you do is hurt them why don't you see that? I would be better if you just left Them or even better the fucking world. Noone would even miss you if you left. I hate you so fucking much!
You are stupid, ungrateful, to stupid for everything even your mother is disappointed and begins to fucking hate you! You deserve pain, you should kill yourself, Probably get yourself in front of god damn train the way you thought about today! Do it! Show me at least once that you are brave and strong enough. Prove it, stupid attentionseecker!