Help me

[Eng]

28.09.2022

"Dear love of my life,
I'm writing this with pure love in my heart and I want you to know that.
You're one of the boys that are as beautiful as the ones in my favourite fairytails are. Your smile and your laugh is the thing that's the prettiest in the world. And eventhough I still can't understand that, all my feelings for you are back. It felt like I didn't care at all but cared to much, so could every little thing you said hurt me so much or be something I could never forget. Also in the beautiful way!
You deserve the best things on this earth and even more and I just really wanted you to know that.
Eventhough it might be way to late, I just want to tell you that I love you and that I miss you, and that sometimes all I can think about is you, your smile, your voice and your hugs. When I think about it are you the only person I want to kiss, I want to hug and to be with, because all of that felt special, it felt real. And when I'm saying this, I mean that I wanted it, every little thing of it. And I feel like you're the only person I've only felt this way for.
You're still on my mind, I know it's been month and I kinda feel like texting you is wrong, it feels like I want to beg you pardon or just »force« you to forgive me, but in reality I don't want to be seen like this. I want you to know that this really is the truth.
Everytime when I'm alone I'm thinking about you, rereding your messages and smiling about your videos and photos, but everytime I want to tell you it feels so wrong, everytime I want to text you or try to something in my head is blocking it.
Maybe it's because of what I see, I don't know, not letting somebody getting through to me, because I'm gonna get hurt? Knowing I'm so damn attached to you that I'm gonna hurt you? Because of a single word? I don't know but I miss the time when you were the moon in the darkest of my nights and when I knew you were understanding, holding me. I wish I could still be calling you if I want to fall asleep facetiming and texting you every single minute I can because I just miss you.
I'm still caring your pictures with me in my pencil case. I just can't take them out or put them away. Like, you're still the person that means the most to me and every single time I only imagine you with somebody else, you having a tragic accident or you not caring for you enough, getting drunk on purpose it'll just break my heart in a million pieces and I can't stand that.
What did I do wrong, what did I do wrong to get you to leave me, to hurt you so much, what's wrong with me, because you're literally the love of my life and I am so stupid for doing this so much. You know I felt that one song I heart today, »True love«. It's so exact describing the feeling.
I really don't want you to feel like it's your fault because it really isn't, you're the best thing that could ever happy to anyone on this world. You're like the magical prince in the books, smiling and making the world a bit brighter even for the poorest of people in your little town. Loving the small things even if you were taught another way by all the pain and hate you felt. You're the person that could make this world so much better for everyone.
You're literally so beautiful, everything about you is beautiful, everything you do. Do you remember all the promises we made, all the smiles we had and all the songs we vibed to, all the nights we called because the pure present of the other could make everything so much better. Calling you sobbing, not able to talk and just calming down hearing to talk.
And eventhough this might sound stupid, I still think that you are my forever, my always and my love. Even if you're not with me, I will always feel this way for you.
I'm crying writing this, I only feel pure love for you at this point and I don't blame you for anything, you didn't really do something wrong and I want you to know that. I'm also smiling, all of the love I feel, all of the hugs we gave, all of the tears we cried and all of the words and stories we told, all of the songs we shared and all of the hugged nights, thats something I will never ever forget because this is special. I know I won't get this back, but I really hope to make you smile one last time, make you cry a little one last time, make you feel like it's gonna be okay, because I know it will be. I love you with my whole heart and soul until I die. But I don't want you to feel under pressure to do anything I just wanted you to know because you deserve it. You deserve all the love and happiness on this planet, you the deserve the best.

This is gonna be my last message if you want it to be. I can't promise to be able to be okay or text you the way I should, I can just promise to try.
You don't have to answer me, but I hope you can understand me a little bit now.
If you do not want me to message you again or something, please tell me and I won't do it ever again. If you want to try, I would love to hear that. But please, please don't be like "just friends" because I really couldn't take that or accept that or follow that.
In deepest love,
always yours."