nothing else but my heart's desire [COLLECTION] | FINISHED

Graduation - ORIGINAL POEM

Missed opportunities, missed chances pass me by, as the world moves on, I step forward out of step and time. Living in motion, leaving worries in hanging, desperately trying to catch paper birds as people passing by stop and stare. And when I catch them, they crumble and turn to dust beneath my fingers, or they catch alight, their smell, in the air, forever lingers. I wish I could say that this has never happened before, but it happens each time, leaving behind a piece of me broken, bruised and sore. I hope to simply watch and observe each time, but only am met by my lack of willpower painted in pastels, flowers and words of rhyme. How beautiful these paper birds appear, flying high above, free and full of cheer. And then comes more missed opportunities but they have little care, for all they see are what is in front of them, and the feathers upon their back they wear. I looked around, I had previously tried to avoid it so, for these birds were a beautiful distraction but still I have to know. I look around and see you there not, while other smiling families huddle in groups around me, as my heart begins to rot. Loneliness, always there yet kept down, in the depths where it lays, for if I dare allow it to surface then back I'll be to my old ways. I'll never stop crying and become a child once more, only Mother and Father are nowhere to be seen and they'll never comfort those fears away, not while they have yet to settle their scores. But instead I see another bird, one without wings as I feel about myself, who spent their life kept in cages, hidden from light, stacked on hazardous shelves. And without a word, I feel a hand cradle my own, I feel complete in this world where all I have are feelings of guilt, shame,  neverending debts and loans. A piece of me missing each time, like a puzzle with missing parts, settling instead of hand-drawn crudeness and hastily written words where I lie. I don't think I would've enjoyed those moments in the crowd, with disingenious smiles and comments of my success, when it was all I could do to push myself up from the ground and join the birds up above, rather than be pulled back to earth by all those who settled for much less. I miss you sometimes, the you you never were nor never would be, until I look in the faces of those who wear their hearts plainly and realise I have no need for those who would never know me. Absence grows around my heart evermore, cradling loss and keeping it close like it had always done so before.