nothing else but my heart's desire [COLLECTION] | FINISHED

20/23 - 21/24 - ORIGINAL POEM

You - a shining example of excellence, as you walked into my life with an easy smile. You were attentive, seemed so interesting in all I had to say, but what did it all mean, when all I'm left with is the uneasy feeling, which follows your departure, and all these sad words complied into poetry no one reads, that I cannot even bear to read on my best days? I doubt these eyes shall glance over these words again, but still I shall write them, cement this feeling in stone, carve out another section of my heart, all in the vain hope of something shifting inside me, that by snapping this moment in photographs, as I take this old bus home, it shall seal away my pain, place it inside a treasure chest to keep it hidden away from view, at least for a little while. I hope it changes, I hope I can leave it behind, even now your face fades in my memory, and now your name brings with it only a bitter thought, saddened by time lost, yet so glad for it to be over, as I distract myself from the moments which consumed me, threatened to overwhelm me, as songs I used to listen to to soothe this broken heart no longer bring with it a strange combination of love and hate - a deadly cocktail of all which could've been and what was. Only, it does, it feels like love, it feels like hate, in my moments alone, hidden in the dark corner of my bathroom, as my mirror reflects a burdensome soul, who carries her past self upon her back and wishes to be consoled, if only for the moment when the heart forgets it has healed, that it no longer bears fractures, only scars which no longer burn under such conditions which require pain, pain, oh so much pain to mend. And I'll come back to these words, in the days after, as my mind can't bear to open these old wounds, can't find the strength needed to open the chest where memories of you are kept, filed away for the days when all I wish to do is drown in nostalgia and sink beneath these waves, to be swallowed whole by the deep blue, until now, late at night, as I read through what was, what I hoped to be and what never was, and only hope these words hold the right amount of sorrow to empathise the pain of loss, the absence of happiness and the nothingness which comes with falling down in the mud, with no hand to lift you from the depths, as your skin breaks beneath pressure and your bones begin to crack, break, shatter, bleed, so read it all, just as I do, as these words are turned over, overanalysed, critiqued in my mind, but still pulled from the recesses of my heart, because they are true, they are just, they are a piece of me I dare not show any other - pause, read, pause, read, look into your heart, pause.