idk bro gimme a break

IsseixMamoru - Untitled 11/18/22

Mamoru has always liked Issei.

From middle school till now, he has always been the one inside Mamoru's heart. It is cliche and very very corny to admit, but the truth is, he accepted that fact a long time ago.

So, when Issei confessed, Mamoru felt happy, but seeing his smile, looking into his eyes, Mamoru knew his words weren't what he thought it was. He spoke fondly, purely. The like he had in his mind was someone he was comfortable with, a friend.

Mamoru couldn't take advantage of Issei, no. He turned him down, thinking it's for the best. Then, hopefully, both of them could move on and forget each other.

But Issei is one persistent bastard. Giving him flowers, cheering him up, going on a date with him. Mamoru got swayed by the flow for a while. It is sincerely hard to ignore Issei, especially when he knows how to put Mamoru on edge.

Just like before, Mamoru realized he was hurting himself by letting himself believe Issei could like him the way he does.

So, he ended it. Again.

And just like before, it hurts.

To be inlove with someone unreachable, to like someone who will never look in his way. Mamoru isn't a masochist, he prefers ending it immediately before he spirals all the way to the bottom, where he can no longer return. Though it's still a form of torture, Mamoru never changed, he still thinks it's for the best. It's easier to forget these feelings than keep them. Although he wants Issei to recognize him as someone who could stand by his side, it's impossible.

Issei will never see him that way.

The only thing that should matter right now is publishing a new manga. He should stop thinking about these useless thoughts and focus.

Staring at the white sheet, Mamoru brought his pen up, he hovered the tip on the paper and gulped before letting his trembling hand do the work.

Failure after failure, the drawings didn't feel alive, they were drawn properly yet the hollow feeling after staring at them sits in his chest. Mamoru crumpled the paper and left his pen on the table. He stared at his drawings and felt a tear escape his eyes.

"We should never see each other again"

Mamoru didn't realize he ended up crying. He didn't mean it that way, he didn't want Issei to leave. He just.. he just wanted.. him to stay. He wants Issei to know how he feels. For Issei to explain what the fuck does he meant by 'like'.

Is it so hard to elaborate? Why did Issei have to say 'to like' is to like, is he dumb or what? Of course it meant liking people but- How oblivious Issei could be for him to not notice what Mamoru meant? Why go through alot of effort for a single friend? Why did he brought Mamoru flowers with his goddamn phone number? Why did he take him out on a date? Why did he travel from his agency to his apartment just to cheer him up? Why did he go to their hometown just to meet him? It all doesn't make sense.

Mamoru crashed into his bed, adverting his gaze to the Issei shrine he has across his bed. It reminded him of Issei's face when they broke it off.

It wasn't like the face he made when Mamoru turned him down in middle school.

Pure sadness. That's what Mamoru saw.

Perhaps Mamoru took it too far. He.. regrets some of the things he said. But there's no way he could take it back now, he went way further the boundary to go back.

So maybe, just maybe, Issei would learn how to smile on his own.

Mamoru kept his eyes on the Issei poster. He slowly lets his eyelids fall and dozed off without noticing.