cardigan, a. butler

one hundred & eleven

one hundred & eleven, i'm not okay

* TRIGGER WARNING *

* mention of ed and suicidal thoughts *

when news broke of roe v wade being overturned, elsie felt numb.

what was life coming to?

so many thoughts ran through her head. some being angry, some being disappointed, others being defeated.

she felt so exhausted.

her mental health was really taking a toll on her and no matter how hard roxanne and jackie had tried to distance elsie from the media, she always found a way to hear about the latest article that was written about her.

despite the dramatic weight loss that she had gone through, people were still claiming she was overweight while others were congratulating her on her wonderful weight loss, as if it was healthy to drop close to twenty pounds in a matter of few weeks.

it absolutely disgusted her how she would never be enough for the media.

she would never be the perfect weight for them.

it didn't help that elsie no longer ventured into the city she was playing in.

she confined herself to her hotel room and only ever let olivia into her room.

most nights elsie spent sitting in silence as she wrote down lyrics that appeared into her head.

elsie also hadn't returned most of hayden's calls and only sent brief texts whenever he became worried but she knew it was only a matter of time before she'd have to tell him the truth.

just like jackie had suggested, roxanne had flown elsie's therapist to them and elsie was having therapy sessions twice a day to help.

during the first few sessions, elsie's therapist was able to diagnose elsie with depression, anxiety and anorexia.

the latter being diagnosed by elsie's doctor with the help of elsie's therapist.

it was all overwhelming. having people tell her what she has made it all too real for elsie.

it was overwhelming having to pretend that everything was fine and she was having a blast on tour but she wasn't.

she was miserable.

having to put on a smile and perform for her fans was exhausting.

everything about it was exhausting.

all she wanted was to be left alone.

having to express her feelings and get help was exhausting.

why couldn't they leave her to die?

"how are you feeling today, elsie?"

what a stupid question, elsie thought.

she had already expressed how she was feeling this morning.

"i feel fine." elsie sighed as she kept her gaze down at the pillow in her lap.

"elsie, if you want to get better, you have to tell me how you're feeling."

elsie scoffed at this and finally looked up at her therapist.

"you really wanna know how i'm feeling? fine. i hate that you all think i'm this broken record that needs to be fixed. i'm fine." elsie spat angrily.