cardigan, a. butler

one hundred & sixteen

one hundred & sixteen, guilt

*TRIGGER WARNING*

* mentions of self-harm and purging *

after her encounter with kaia, elsie couldn't help but let kaia's words affect her.

did everyone see her the way kaia saw her?

she had been making progress with her recovery and was getting the help she needed.

she was eating more and worried less about her weight but with kaia basically shaming her for her weight, she was spiraling.

elsie had relapsed and had stopped eating once again, the only thing elsie consumed was fear.

fear that she'd never be accepted for who she is unless she was skinny.

and she believed that.

she believed that people would like her more if she was skinny.

everyone loved jackie.

jackie was skinny.

maybe if elsie was a little more like jackie, she'd be liked.

it was a harmful way of thinking but it was elsie's way of thinking.

she wished she wasn't like this.

she wished she wasn't lying to everyone around her.

they all believed she was recovering and she was eating again.

she couldn't imagine what they'd say when they'd find out about her relapsing.

it scared her.

which is why elsie had did the only thing she thought would work.

she started purging.

she'd eat in front of everyone and when she was alone in her hotel room, she'd empty the contents in her stomach.

it was a way to keep everyone around her happy while she finally got the body she wished for since she was a young girl.

the only difference it made was that it made elsie feel guilty.

everyone around her thought she was better.

she had been telling austin about her recovery and he had expressed how extremely proud he was of her.

but nothing could get the image of austin cheating on her.

the pictures of him and kaia haunted her mind and urged the girl to continue down the route she was going down.

but the guilt was eating elsie alive.

it made elsie nauseous at how easily she was able to relapse because of kaia.

she hated that she let kaia get to her but austin had left elsie for her.

obviously there was something wrong with her or else austin would have never had a doubt about her and their relationship.

which is why elsie turned to self-harm to help cope with the guilt.

it started by slightly knicking herself with her razor before it lead to elsie harming herself with the blade.

the color red had become elsie's best friend.

the sight allowing elsie to release a deep breath as her mind focused on the pain instead of the guilt.