Secret Desires

✧ 21: New Tactic

✧ August 10th - Four Months & Fifteen Days Ago

        "Better," David said. I huffed out the breath I was holding. Even though it was better, it was still bad. The throwing ax was touching the biggest outer circle, nowhere near the center. David's throws had been almost perfect. I focused on the almost part because if they had been perfect, I would've asked to go do something else. But he suggested ax throwing and I promised to give it a try. Even if I was horrible at it.

       "I'm going to write down a few places I want you to go to. They're all in Velthorne, but they're close to one another. Take someone with you. A friend, your mother, that David fellow."

        Well, here I was... With that David fellow. Coming to Jax in Velthorne had been a suggestion on Gloria's list that I wanted to do. I held onto that list for a while, unsure of what to do with it. I didn't think I would actually get the chance to use it. Getting back to any sense of normal felt wrong when everything around me felt very doom and gloom. And now with my mother being pregnant...

        There were too many things that I didn't know how to deal with. I want to be happy for her, but there is so much anger inside of me that continues to stay on a simmer. It makes it impossible to be happy about anything in my life right now. I'm angry that she didn't tell me sooner and was going to continue to wait even longer to do so. I'm angry that David knew before I did and then kept me in the dark. I'm angry that I don't know how to bring up the truth to my mother that I know about my dad and my half-sister. I'm angry that I continue to lie to Dean and my friends because I don't want them to look at me with disgust and hate. I'm angry because the way Jake and I broke up was ugly and unkind to both of us. And I am angry because I snap and bite at the people who care about me.

        "Try again," David says from beside me. But I am done trying. This was supposed to be fun, but I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people here and I'm embarrassed every time I keep missing. I say nothing as I inch away from our lane. I heard him apologize to one of the workers and thank them before coming to my side again. Everything about this place is loud and bright. There was laser tag, bowling, mini golf, an enormous arcade, and... ax throwing. I was trying to give Jax a chance, but I was ready to go home.

        "Can we go?" I ask.

        "Sure." He says it too fast. I stop to glance up at him. He stops too, smiling down at me as if I wasn't a quitter after only twenty minutes. He's waiting for me to say or do something.

        "Just sure?" David shrugs nonchalantly, slowly stepping in the direction of the front doors. I stay standing where I am.

        "Yup. Come on. Let's go." He takes another step, still smiling at me. I'm narrowing my eyes at him as I take a step toward him. It couldn't possibly be this easy.

        "Just like that?"

        "Mhm." I cross my arms as I plant my feet. David stops a few feet away. Three younger kids run between us with a long string of tickets. I could hear them argue over what prize they should get. David stares at me with his hands in his pocket, his smile unfaltering. I feel like this is a test. He's been respectful of my boundaries, but this feels different somehow.

        "You're okay with me just giving up and leaving when we've been here less than thirty minutes?" My question sounds like a challenge. He shrugs again.

        "Are you?" I felt myself wince. His smile was tight as he watched me carefully. It was a fair question. And no, I wasn't okay with it. I think I just expected a little push back from him. He's been trying to find that happy place between giving me an out and pushing me to do things. If he keeps giving me outs, I'll never overcome anything. But if he pushes me too hard, I'll be overwhelmed and resentful. I think this is his new tactic.