'But a black young girl of God cannot get Anorexia or mental illnesses-.
This is my story.
You probably have struggled like how I have too.
These were my coping mechanisms.
This was a battle.
A battle you may have experienced as well.
This was ongoi...
Did I mention all of this was happening in the midst of my GSCE exams. If not, I am now.
The 1st of June was shocking and random for me, here's why.
I started GSCE exams in the middle of May and it would carry on until the middle of June.
The new little mermaid movie featuring Halle who played Ariel beautifully had just released. What would have been a better way to celebrate my half way mark into exams? Watching the movie right?
So we went to go watch the movie and I decided to snack on caramel rice cakes. I had a connection to this snack as when I craved something sweet that wasn't fruit and that I wasn't scared of, I'd have them because they were low sugar, fat and calories and of course I was tracking.
I told myself I'd only have 2. During the movie I bit into one and that's when I felt a minor sharp stab area around my heart area or God forbid in my heart area. I ignored the pain because it was minor but it constantly happened when I'd go in for another bite and swallow.
I continued to ingnore it throughout the day until it got so bad and even worse when I'd eat.
Was it acid reflux, I don't know. Was it a reaction to the sweeteners that were once problematic that I'd add to my tea as I was afraid of sugar? I don't know? I couldn't pin point the cause, well it could be anorexia.
At night the pain got so bad I was spinning and in pain. The pain was near my heart, around my breasts going on to under my armpit and sometimes down to my stomach. The pain was unexplainable but disturbingly painful.
So quite obviously I had finally told my parents what I was feeling as it was hard to hide. I feared telling them because I knew they'd connect it to my eating disorder and tell me to eat more and at this point of my life I really wanted to stay slim and skinny and not gain weight to go back to my healthy weight.
Another reason I didn't want to tell them was because I knew they'd say to call 111 and it was already late, I was already getting my blood tested the next day on the 2nd of June due to my eating disorder and GP check ups. I thought what would be the point of calling 111 as they'd just check my blood and run tests that I'd already have to do the next day.
I was overthinking all days about the tests I'd get the next day, not because of the typical fear of needles and injections because fortunately for me I wasn't scared of needles as I've had many vaccines and blood draws in my life and have never experienced pain from them. I was scared because I knew I'd been feeling weaker since I had anorexia and I was scared they'd find something wrong in my blood.
I was supposed to get the blood test in the morning 9:45am however my chest, boob to under my armpit and whole left side to my body going down to my feet pain had gotten too sharp and almost scratching. It was a non stop stabbing pain. At that point after a lot of internal conflict whether I should tell someone of now, I eventually informed my dad (I had already had many incidences with my chest in the past aswell).
Next thing I know after calling 111, after my dad had suggested, the ambulance was in out house. Tests were done and as a result they said my blood pressure and glucose levels were too low and my heart rate is shockingly slow.
Next thing I'm in the hospital for 7 hours. No sleep. Blood tests and we leave 7am. They also gave us a granola bar that I feared so much but when seeing my dad eat it I was motivated and ate it, also I was so hungry I knew I shouldn't starve myself especially because of my condition at that moment.
Then I slept for 2 hrs when we arrived at home as I knew I had to wake up for the original blood tests and check up that was booked.
Me and my dad set off to the appointment and after multiple attempts the GP failed to extract any blood from me and informed me I too dehydrated, probably tired of lack of sleep and had a lot of blood already taken. I wasn't even as upset than I was embarrassed as my dad shook his head with disappointment and I could see the worry and devastation in his eyes.
Because of me he didn't get sleep because of a rubbish eating disorder.
I felt so much guilt.
TRIGGER WARNING: WIEIAD
(Meals I had today whilst writing (current date 26th June)
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