OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

30th of June 2023 entry.

📝30/06/2023.

TW: Mentions calories.

This chapter is more a quick update on how I was doing the 30th of June 2023.

- My chest pains had returned and they hurt so bad, worse than ever. Yes, God healed me previously in the start of June from my chest pains and I thought it was a permanent healing so when it returned I was left confused. I deleted TikTok as a sacrifice, It left me confused not knowing what else he wanted or if he even wanted anything.

- I had got my hair done. It took 2 days being 18 hours in total. It was a beautiful long hairstyle, light brown however, I still felt ugly. I was never satisfied with my looks and I always felt so unconfident.

- I was tired of counting calories. Every day I felt like I needed to count calories therefore, I tracked everyday and this day instead of increasing 100 calories to my regular calorie intake to heal myself, I ate 100 less that usual meaning I was 200 calories backwards. 

- When it was lent I have up sweets for 40 days. It was so hard for me as I was obsessed with sweets in the past. On Sundays it was known that you can break lent as it's a 47 days period but when excluding the 7 Sundays lent is 40 days. On the first 3 Sundays I'd have sweets as I loved it so much and couldn't wait. However, the more I did lent, the more I lost interest in sweets, my teeth got better and I started not to care for it so I didn't have it on Sundays anymore. I broke the fast with a sweet but after that I barely had sweets anymore. I'm sure I didn't care for sweets anymore but at some point during that period I started to really fear sweets as I feared added sugar. Since the last day of lent, which was the 8th April to the 30th of June (83) days I hadn't had sweets except the 3 chocolate pieces I had when I had extreme hunger. This day on the 30th June I had one gummy worm which I was proud of as I realized I feared sweets so much! so the fact I had the very courage to have a piece and I guess that was good. It's all about looking at the positives, even if you did what could look like the bare minimum to others, it could be huge step for you to make so, appreciate yourself for it. Love yourself.

- On the downside, whilst I was praying to God this day, I was planning my next meal. I was so upset and bothered by this. I felt so bad for this. God has provided me with so much, he was healing me and working in my life so when I had a few minutes of the day to appreciate him, I used those minutes to think about food. It's just horrible. That right there was a sign of extreme hunger. If I wasn't under eating, I wouldn't think about food but because I was still undereating, my mind was hungry. Once you start eating more, food doesn't overtake your brain.

- Lastly, I felt so insecure this day as I felt my face looked chubby and bloated. My appearance would control my emotion for the day. If I felt I looked good, I'd cheer up a bit. If I felt ugly, I'd be moody. Why oh why is appearance so important to us. God made us.

WE. ARE. BEAUTIFUL!