OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

17th of August 2023 entry.

📝17/07/2023.

It finally hit me that I had to stop regretting Anorexia happening all the time and actually work on making a change.

It honestly made no sense how I'd regret undereating but still continue to undereat especially with the knowledge of the risks. There was literally no excuses anymore.

I was fully aware of the risks of being malnourished as I experienced it and despised it but I still wouldn't be bothered to eat or complete my meal plan.

I had no mental or physical hunger so I never felt the urge to push myself to eat. To also add, it made no sense to me why I had no mental hunger if I was malnourished. Was my body scared of sending my signals or hint to eat because it didn't trust I'd do it?

On this day, being the 17th of July, I had gone to get a blood test. I had never feared blood tests as in the past days they never hurt me nor effected/ affected me. It felt like nothing to me however, since anorexia, the blood tests still didn't hurt but the blood was never drawn out; I had various blood appointments that would have to be postpones or a extra measure would have to be taken. This was because they'd keep trying to draw the blood out from my arm from different positions  and veins and not get any blood. They mentioned my lack of food in my body could be the problem as well as dehydration - which I was unsure about.

 Linking back, on this day, I had a successul blood test in a long time. It was quick and easy. The doctor had poled the needle into my vein, without having to compress a hot balloon on my vein to make it pop more, and my blood easily started drawing out as it should have. This showed small progress in my body; I was more hydrated and nourished. To support this even further, my blood pressure was also better as it would normally be very low.

I was also not thinking about food a lot during the past couple of days around this time that I forgot to eat sometimes when I was meant to. The old me when realizing would escape the matter, pretending to carry on forgetting but to link back to the first paragraph, were I stated how I was fed up of not making a change to make things better, I decided to get up and find a solution. Therefore, I rushed downstairs and had two snacks before bed to fuel myself. I didn't feel guilty because once more, I knew I was doing the right thing for recovery.

Yes, I felt it was the right thing even though I previously dreaded eating past 6pm. It was a ritual of mine to never eat after that time but I knew that habit had to change in recovery as I woke up near 12pm and the time gap of not eating from 8pm to 12pm could cause a lot of damage- especially to a malnourished person.

It's all about making a change.

Forget your regret and work to make sure you don't regret it again.