OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

6th of November 202 entry.

📝06/11/2023.

I had heard of some individuals and families bad experiences with CAMHS on TikTok which surprised me as so far my experience had been good. I appreciated how they helped young people like me.

I felt getting professional help from them weakened my fear of eating and forced me to trust my body more and vice versa. I also felt when I met up with them every week, I had permission to eat for the week ahead; I never told anyone but on the rare times when I would go to CAMHS ever fortnight, I would struggle- Till this day when I'm writing this no one still knows.

I guess I could say my  my experience with CAMHS was alright, but their could be some improvements on how the staff that were assigned with me approached talking to my father and I.

On the 6th of November, my positive impression on CAMHS took a tiny turn. I hate saying CAMHS as it seems as if I'm talking about the  company as a whole but the people that I were assigned to. Dragging us back into topic, my view had changed because when I had come back from college, my mum looked hurt and told me to check my email.

I checked my email and saw it was from CAMHS. I didn't worry that much until I opened the email. It was a heap of paragraph that expressed how basically in harsh words that my progress is going too slow and it's not going linear and I'm a bit hard to work with. They obviously didn't say this as they wrote it with sensitivity but they were basically implying that. 

As I was reading the email my initial thought was that they might kick me off the programme due to me being slow with recovery. My heart started racing due to this thought but another side of me thought they would never do this due to me  literally controlled by a deadly mental illness. I even read the part when they said I've been with them for 5 months and I've read about people who have worked with them for years; if anything I wasn't so bad to work with to be kicked out. I was just surprised when they stated my weight on the email that was forwarded to my parents and I after we requested not to know my weight due to triggering reasons. In addition, they showed the results of my weight increasing, staying steady and dropping throughout the 5 months with a bold red font- what was the purpose of this? To make me feel different, like an outcast from others with a ED? I was sure that some people they have worked with people who must have been worse than me but my brain was telling me I'm more difficult than all the other kids they've worked with. Had they ever sent an email to other kids like this?

 I was simply taken aback as I read the email; I could sense they were fed up of me. I shouldn't have to feel like this. I was left puzzled as wasn't it their job to be patient with me and purse to help me with the ED voices? I also hated how the email was so long as I just wanted to know if they were kicking me out or not.

I took a break and reflected on how I would feel if they did kick me out. I thought how I wouldn't have to do the meal plan anymore and I could eat less but then I realized how that would negatively impact my health. I needed them to not give up on me. They give confidence to eat. I felt if they left me at that moment, a relapse may have occurred.

No wonder my parents were frustrated when I got home. My mum had expressed to me how she thinks they are giving up on me. 

I felt horrible.

To add as well, I was told by a person I don't feel comfortable naming that I 'should just eat what *I* want, forget the meal plan'. They told me how they were fed up of helping me; they stated they don't care anymore and the hospital should just admit me.

I felt hurt.

My dad looked so hurt from the email and my parents felt a bit distant today. I also felt some silent anger from them.

I felt alone.

I felt guilty.

Then all these emotions stopped and turned to confusion and anger. I realized how no one had any right to be angry with me, if anything they should be angry with CAMHS. Why do I say this?

I knew in the past I was dumb and didn't follow the meal plan sometimes but for the past couple of weeks, I had been following the meal plan and eating the exact amount of calories I was told to eat. I have been following CAMHS order. If I was not gaining weight it was definitely not my fault but my bodies. Maybe the amount CAMHS was telling me to eat was not enough for me to gain weight as others that have been in recovery on social media had been eating 2x the calories that CAMHS had told me to eat. Therefore, no one should be angry with me when all I had been doing is being obedient.

The only things I had been doing that could impact my weight to drop or stay the same weight for the past week was firstly the walks I had been doing but they honestly weren't even that long nor fast. Secondly, it could be how I have long eating gaps but it was due to me feeling full for hours. Thirdly, it would be because I was a slow eater but honestly I doubt it. I knew I was consuming the right calories as I stopped undereating. I did not deserve to feel this was my fault; maybe for the first 3 months but for the last 2 months I had been obedient.

I had a conversation with my mum and she asked me if the 5 months with CAMHS was a waste due to me only adding 1kg in 5 months. I may have taken this the wrong way but I started to feel anger as I felt maybe what everyone wants is weight gain. I started to feel they might view this as a physical disorder but hello? Is anyone going to reflect on the progress of my mental health since being with CAMHS.

I could now use the toilet.

My chest pains had decreased.

I no longer fainted.

I trusted my body more.

My body trusted me more.

I was more social now.

I could eat in front of my sister.

I no longer had seizures.

I no longer felt weak 24/7.

I could stand the sight of food when before I could not bare it.

I had regained some energy.

I could now go on walks.

My blood pressure was a bit better; it wasn't as low.

Calories did no longer scare me as much.

So whatever if I didn't gain as much weight CAMHS had expected me to in 5 months because guess what I had gained other things that were not acknowledged in the email.
They knew better than anyone that it was a mental disorder so why were they hyper fixated on the physical factors.

I started to worried if my parents saw CAMHS as a waste. I didn't know how my dad felt as we hadn't talked this day. He was busy and silent. I was expectant on this as when something has effected my dads emotions, he stays silent for a day whilst reflecting on how he wants to express his emotions for the day to come. I hoped my dad was thinking the same way I was. I hoped he was angry with the email from CAMHS and not of me.

However, to answer my mums question.

No.

The recovery progress could never be a waste.

At all.