OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

30th of July 2023 entry.

📝30/07/2023.

Most of my tears shed in 2023 had a route cause of my bad relationships with food.

Most of those tears shed where tears of anxiety, downheartedness, gloominess - overall, negative emotions.

On the 30th of July in 2023 I almost shed tears. Yes the route cause was because of food however the only difference was the tears that never appeared, were of positive emotions.

These positive emotions were from feeling proud, joy and nostalgic.

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My family, family friends and I went to a restaurant. We all sat in a long massive table. I had so much anxiety due to several reasons; There were a lot of people in the restaurant, I had a fear eating Infront of people since I became anorexic, I had no idea what I was going to eat, I didn't know what a normal portion size looked like anymore and feared my portion being judged for being too small and I didn't want to be judged. Lastly, I knew the biggest source to my anxiety was the fact this 'restaurant' was a buffet therefore I was surrounded everywhere by my fears (being some foods) and I didn't know the calories they provided.

I felt like in recovery, on a meal plan, I need to know the calories of everything I eat in order to have enough because I knew if I wasn't tracking I'd undereat like how I did before unconsciously. 

It was a bit frustrating because we had gone to this buffet before I cared about my intake and I used to love going as well as choosing different types of cuisine however, now due to fears, I dreaded coming. I just wanted my enjoyment back.

I ended up walking around the buffet to look for the options that looked healthy to me. I then hid in the corner and estimated the calories making sure it would fit in with everything else I had eaten previously for breakfast and lunch for this day. I also found it weird because before my ED, my family and I had a habit of saving our appetite for dinner and I expectably didn't have a appetite as I had to eat 2 meals before this even though my last meal was hours ago. With anorexia I think it's normal not to ever feel hungry- well at least for me (everyone's different).

I then started collecting my food.

I sat down on the table and couldn't help but examine what everyone else had and I felt a bit of judgment as my portion was way smaller than others and dry. I had a few sushi's to start with as It was a food I didn't fear as much. I also had 1 decent slice of a cheese pizza that had no tomato and a few juicy prawns with veggies and a chinese pancake that's used for duck. I was very unfamiliar with the food I had got as normally I'd get fried food, curry with naan and rice. 

I pursued eating my food and I was very embarrassed in how slow I ate the food. I wasn't sure if it was my braces or my ED. I ate slow and others around were getting their new portions of food to eat. I saw some people staring and my mum had told me I was too slow. For some reason that comment made my heart race- I dreaded being judged. I then recognized some other eyes on me.

I actually really enjoyed my food that I had a boost of confidence. Due to this refreshing emotion, I remembered one of my favorite things I used to eat in this buffe; I used to enjoy the custard steamed boa buns. I had the courage to go collect one to eat.

I ate it and my parents smiled. I also felt amazing as I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so much after finishing it, I still wanted another one. Keep in mind, this is the first time I wanted a food. It was my favorite thing I had eaten since I started restricting.

I felt good as before I would never understand how someone could find joy in eating food in a long time however, I actually felt joy. My body felt good and I soon came to realise it may be due to the fact I obeyed it's craving for once. It could also be because it was the first time I gave myself a treat in a long time.

I felt guilty about wanting another one and therefore didn't go to take one until my dad mentioned how he saw I enjoyed that and recommended me taming another one. I felt a bit anxious and openly told him how I was scared to because it could pass the limit of my meal plan by a bit and I still had to have my night milk snack before bed. I explained to him how I also didn't want to feel guilty. My father then gave me a soft smile and said I have permission to skip my night snack and have another one of those boas as I like them.

I then got up and had another one and my dad looked so happy it was almost worth it. 

My dad's friend who knew I had a bad mental health had got up and told me he's so glad he paid for this buffet for us to go to  because seeing me eat freely gives him joy. Due to that comment, I did feel a bit confused because he didn't know about my ED however, I brushed that confusion aside as the joy from the comment overtook it. I didn't like wasting money so it was nice to see he didn't feel like I did.

This is why I mentioned at the beginning how I almost shed tears. The reason why was because I had not only made myself proud but my parents and their friends too. I loved making people happy- it brings me joy. I was also happy because I honored my body and felt no guilt. If anything I would have felt guilty towards myself if I didn't honor my craving as I am worthy of having it.

It might sound dramatic but I felt a bit emotional in a positive way for doing what was right. 

It is worth it!

Custard boas for the win!