OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

3rd of February 2024 entry.

📝03/01/2024.

It must have been accepting recovery.

It must have been God.

It must have been the affirmations I would recite.

It must have been me taking care of myself.

It must have been the refeeding.

At first, I couldn't identify which of these specific events that contributed to my mental health improving but I knew all of them had their own minor impacts- some may have had bigger impact than others. I discovered that these events would not have transpired had I not possessed the divine guidance of God.

I could discern my progress in healing as I refrained from reaching for my journal, previously observing tears falling upon the pages. On this very day when I journaled, I felt joy.

Due to me not journaling how December went, here were how the events occurred whilst I was still battling with my ED.

20/12/2023 - Sisters Birthday.

On my sister's birthday, which occurred on December 20, 2023, she expressed a desire to visit McDonald's. Despite my apprehension towards McDonald's, I reminded myself of the commitment I made to prioritize my mental well-being and not allow it to detract from the festivities of the upcoming December events. My family had told me to pack a pack lunch to take to McDonald's in order for me to eat with them, however, I wanted to prove to myself and them that I was capable of ignoring the anorexic thought in my head that shouted at me expressing how I could not eat fast food and join in events. I mustered up some confidence leading to me sat opposite of my dad in McDonalds with no pack lunch Infront of me.

I ordered a grilled sweet chilli wrap as it was one thing I feared the least in comparison to the other options. I however, did not order anything else such as a drink or a side as fries was one fear food I never thought I could face. When eating my wrap, everyone else had finished and my dad seemed disappointed on how little my meal was- he had told me to order something else causing my heart to race as I was stuffed up like a teddy bear and felt anxiety over all the other menu options. I felt stares at me and my eating disorder voice started shouting at me. I did not want to ruin my sisters birthday so I ordered another wrap. 

It might sound dumb to you how I ordered another wrap instead of ordering fries but words could not describe how much my eating disorder hated fried. Yes, fries would be lower in volume but I classified it as a forbbiden food in my head. Therefore, I felt more comfortable having another wrap. Well that's what I thought- It was then when I started eating the second one I felt nausea due to fullness. I pushed through for my sister, for myself and for my Dad. My father appeared perplexed by my decision to opt for something other than the easier choice of fries. His expression of confusion triggered feelings of guilt within me; I convinced myself I did something bad by eating 2 wraps. However, being the kind-hearted person he was, my dad noticed my internal struggle and expressed how proud he was of me.

25/12/2023 - Christmas.

On Christmas, I was very excited and did not want my eating disorder to ruin it.

We woke up, I showered, brushed leading up to all of us opening our presents whilst I vlogged it in my YouTube channel. The rest of the day was spent like a normal day. I had breakfast as normal.

When I was about to prepare lunch my dad had told me that later on we were going to visit family friends to celebrate Christmas. I missed our family friends but I had a sudden voice in my head telling me they'd probably cook a whole Christmas feast and I should skip lunch.

 Despite hearing the recovery influencers emphasizing the importance of not skipping meals, especially when there were events scheduled later in the day, and despite being in recovery myself, I made the decision to skip lunch.

In the long car journey there, my sister had eaten her lunch in the car and my mum had told me how I should have done the same as it was not definite we were eating a Christmas dinner. 

When we arrived, I had an amazing time with my family friends. It turned out there was no Christmas feast that I had convinced myself of. I ended up eating  a small bowl of rice and fresh veggies. This ended up being a very late lunch at 5pm- I did not let this mistake put me down as I felt happy I was eating food that others were eating and joining in. I had even let them portion me up the food.

Later on when I went home, at around 8pm I was still full from the rice but pushed in some bread and butter for dinner resulting in my not skipping my 3 meal occasions. 

Overall, Christmas was fabulous and chill.

31/12/2023.

There wasn't much to say.

I had a good birthday, It was like a normal day for me but I loved receiving messages, watching a movie in the cinema and going home to eat takeaway from my favorite restaurant with my family. We ate together, sat around a table with laughs and giggles. I felt joy and appreciated on this day. Our table talk included us talking about each others red and green flags, what we should take into 2024 and how we could improve.

I was told to love myself more which I agreed with.

The day ended with a community of Christians worshipping God in my church and us praying for an amazing 2024.

I always loved New years.
It gave me hope.

Now that I had caught you readers up, I would like to take us back to the 3rd of February 2024 which I started this chapter with. I was expressing how without God I could have never been better mentally.

I was sure He was the one that convinced me to take up recovery. 

I was starting to love myself again; I even saw my bloated belly on this day and stroked it instead of despising it and sucking it in.

Ultimately, my spark was coming back.

I felt super proud of myself and told myself I was proud of  myself. I talked to my self nicely which confirmed I was healing.

I had hobbies again outside being controlled by a eating disorder and tracking calories.

I started to feel less numb and care for people.

I felt Debby returning.

Authors note:

Once you recover, I promise you that you will find your spark again. The eating disorders voice will become more quiet if you ignore it. It's like ignoring someone who constantly messages you, if you pursue to do so, the person will stop contacting you.

 Choosing recovery if choosing to become happy again.

It is choosing to live.

You can do it! 

If you can't, God can do it for you. Let him.  

Invite him.