OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

31st of July 2023 entry.

📝31/07/2023.

The deeper one gets into recovery, the more they mature .

The more they know what's best for them.

The more they make smarter decisions for themselves.

This is what I did for myself this day. I made smart decisions.

My meal plan had a structure of 3 meals that have the same calorific value and 3 snacks that had the same calorific value. Subsequently, on this day I had 3 meals but they were lower in calories than what my requirement was. My old self would have been happy as she viewed having low calorie meals as an achievement but as I actually accepted I had to get better I knew I had to make up for the missing calories in my meals.

Therefore, I did my calculations and realized instead of 3 snacks, I had to have 4 snacks despite how much I despised snacking. I ended up having a left over boa bun, nature bar, baked strawberries and some grapes as my snacks for the day.

I hated doing to.

I felt so much guilt.

I had no appetite for these snacks.

Due to these feelings, I barely enjoyed it, but I knew it was the only way I could recover.

One thing that amazed me is when I felt guilty and my ED thoughts tried to haunt me however, I had automatic mindset swapped responses to the thoughts.

My ED told me:

- 'I feel so full, I hate how I ate' and I immediately thought; 'I am so full right mow, however eventually the feeling may pass'.

- 'You shouldn't have ate the extra snack', and I immediately contradicted that thought by thinking; 'Me having that extra snack is bringing me closer to recovery'.

- 'I feel so guilty and gross' and my favorite mindset swap I had was, 'if I go back in time, I'd deal with this guilt again, I'd still snack because I'm doing the right thing'.

Isn't it just amazing how powerful my contradicting thoughts were this day. I knew it had to be God working in my life. I knew the deeper I was getting into recovery and the more the days passed my guilt would decrease even by a small scale.

However, some days my guilt would be so bad but it's normal for emotions and recovery to be linear. All I knew is that every day i would restrict less and that was why my guilt would be so immense that day, because my ED was getting mad.

One thing that kept me going in recovery was praise from my family and others whenever I would eat; I loved me efforts being noticed however on this day, I barely got paise. One would think this would cause my downfall however, I praised myself for what I did. I had to remember I am recovering for myself too. Once again, I praised God for this achievement.

I knew every achievement couldn't have been achieved without God. It makes sense as whenever my ED would become so strong and beat me up, my dad would say 'it's the devil', therefore it should be vice versa. In other words, whenever my ED thoughts felt defeatable, it would be Gods work.

One other big recovery accomplishment occurred when it was dinner time.

Firstly, I had no appetite for dinner and I still had it; secondly, the dinner ended up not being that nice but I still ate it. I remember when I had a dinner I didn't like before, I cried and felt guilt as my mind thoughts food that wasn't that good was a waste of calories. However, today I thought about what my father had previously locked in my mind days before; food isn't always for enjoyment but also for fuel. In conclusion, I moved on and went on with my days because, who cares.

Thanks to God!