OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

4th of July 2023 entry.

📝04/06/2023.

PROM NIGHT.

A EXCITING NIGHT.

A CONFUSING NIGHT.

A SAD NIGHT.

A TRAUMATIC NIGHT.

BUT ENDED UP BEING A LOVELY NIGHT.

It was so hard to explain what type of night prom night was. Yes, I had a good time but something unfortunate happened to me this night and my anorexia was the cause of it.

So as you guys know, I had been in ED recovery however not under professional help yet. I was pretty sure I was still undereating immensely and doing it all wrong but besides the point, I had been isolated in my room and barely allowed to move or get social. Therefore, I was obviously quite excited for what prom night could consist of. I was excited to be out and communal.

I got ready, my new tiny dress that my mum bought fit me and I entered the car.  Now, on the way to prom my chest pains had randomly returned, It kept occurring until it spread to my left back and armpit. I was in so much pain in the journey from home to the hotel prom was in. 

Then, my dad dropped me there, pictures were taken of me when entering and the last words he said before leaving expressed how proud he was of me. He was smiling so hard this night and I knew he meant his nice words. He then left; I entered prom and took my seat.

When I sat down my chest pain became so intense- I would definitely declare that was the worst it ever felt. I also felt so hungry as I don't think I had lunch as I'd restrict when knowing I'd be eating our. I then apparently started to shake.

Shutter.

Shaking.

It was all out of my control and I don't remember any of it. 

I do distinctly remember spazzing on my chair and seeing nothing but water.

I had hyperventilated in prom. A big night where everyone was happy and liberal.

I felt embarrassed and like a fool. Why did I have to ruin the night for myself and the people who witnessed it. However, they all seemed very happy and unbothered so I guess I was happy that it wasn't ruined for them, just ruined for me.

I then remember hearing the sound of my teacher calling my dad informing him of what happened. I felt so bad; my dad left so proud of me and the first time I wasn't at home under his guidance something bad had happened. He probably felt so underwhelmed, scared and guilty. I didn't want that.

I then felt guilty and told the teachers once I eat the prom dinner I would be fine and my heart will stop hurting.

I then look to my left and see this girl in my tutor holding my hand, understanding me, relating with me and crying with me. She told me, 'everything will be alright!' and that was the first time I saw a girl my age that genuinely cared for me. That must have understood me.

That inspired me to eat the dinner they would serve me and even though I panicked when they said they'd serve dessert too, I told myself I will be a normal teenager this day and enjoy that dessert. Everyone else was enjoying the brownie and ice cream so why shouldn't I. I reminded myself how I was deprived from sugar for so long therefore I deserve to have this moment of joy.

I said 'F U ANOREXIA, I HATE YOU'....

In my head of course.

Guess what? After I ate my chest pain said 'bye, bye'.

Guys, food really is fuel, medicine, life. 

I do admit, I ate the food very slowly as I found it really scary eating food I didn't get to watch be prepared or even preferably prepared myself. I didn't know the calorie info therefore it was terrifying but I knew I needed fuel. I knew if I was hungry, I had to eat. I knew that if I was weak, I had to eat. Subsequently, once I did eat, I had an energy boost and my chest recovered.

I told myself to enjoy and I did enjoy.

In the bible in Ephesians 5:29 It says in version NIV as an example of how we should act that 'no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body'. This means we should love our body therefore nourish it when it needs nourishing. (I'm trying to take my own advice as I write).

Your body needs nourishing when your hungry, when you just want to nourish it and when your bored. You can eat whenever!

So yes, I ate dessert as well which consisted of a brownie topped with ice cream and I flipping loved it.

So Prom night was development, thus good.