OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

8th of July 2023 entry.

📝08/07/2023.

Things may seem so impossible, but don't be so quick to give up and get overwhelmed like I would, because in the future you'd be looking back therefore reflecting coming to the recognition that what was deemed to be so impossible in your head, was most definitely possible. When you put your all into something challenging and trust God to lead you- he will make the impossible, possible; the challenge/ obstacle you are facing can be transformed into something so minor.

On this very day, I shed some tears as my braces pain, which wasn't there for the previous days, started to creep in. The pain wasn't what caused the salty droplets to trip down my eyes, but the frustration of how hard it was to use my teeth along with the ache caused it. I was so angry that I had got braces, at this point in time I thought I had made a huge mistake as eating was almost impossible with my teeth. No matter how hard I tried to eat, even porridge, the food wouldn't even be able to be swallowed as it would get trapped in a massive bracket which laid at the top of my gum and sit there.

I also couldn't eat because my braces were too tight it made it physically impossible for me to open and shut my teeth in able to chew. 

I also believed I had limits to what I could eat as my dentist listed a hundred  types of food I couldn't eat like: Toast; coloured food, hard food, acidic foods, some fruits and loads of carbs. My Ed was happy as it was an excuse for me to starve however because I was now on a  professional meal plan and my parent's were at a look out I had no choice. I was in a dilemma, I was very sure my meal plan and my braces were enemies, therefore incompatible. I had to choose between one of them but I felt I had no choice as I was on a urgent  meal plan but I also felt it was impossible to eat. All of this became to overwhelming for me as my brain was panicking, confused,

Then my low self esteem kicked in and started beating myself up for getting braces when I knew damn well I had been waiting years to get them. It made me regret getting braces so bad as my teeth had also become so weak . It was even hard to speak. I started to convince myself my teeth didn't get weak because of the braces but because I'm a flipping anorexic and I lack calcium. I convinced myself I lacked calcium and started crying and getting angry with myself. I even downloaded the NHS app to find my calcium details just to be proved wrong. I felt my teeth was decaying, which is totally normal when you get braces and I emailed my dentist complaining.

When I panic and loose hope, I do dumb things. I convince myself of wrong things. I persuaded myself in thinking everything is impossible and my fault.

But you see, is it though. Can I really not eat? What if I put 100% effort into trying to and gave myself 2 hours. I could definitely do it, right? I know if I prayed, God would find a way. In panic mode, I sometimes forget how God can make a way for me.

It got to the point when I got myself too stressed which was dumb as I already had so many other problems. It felt my mind was beginning me to go easy on myself, but I never listened. I then started to think of all the meds I needed to take that day, and how I have to wake up early everyday in order to do a meal plan but this day I woke up late making everything harder for myself. It was only so much I could take and handle.

I felt depressed all day, but all of a sudden my friend had texted me and reminded me how I'm invited to her post prom party. I felt like I owed it to myself to go out and have fun. I prayed for God to help me, I got up, got ready and went.

In the party there was a lot of food, pasta, mac and cheese, cake, chicken (soft), kebabs, sweets, biscuits. I sat there not eating any of it. Maybe I was scared and also because of my braces. 
Later, they started BBQing some chicken and before they did it was pre boiled and soft. God told me that I should ask to eat it before they put it on the Barbeque, he told me I could do it. He also told me the pasta they made is soft and I can have it. God basically told me, stop making excuses, stop starving yourself, it's almost 19:00 so go eat. I then got up and served myself the tiniest bit of pasta salad and the chicken. I then chewed and was able to eat 1 pasta in the span of like 4 minutes. Yes, one bite took 4 minutes. I kept going and finished the food.

Not only was this a big achievement because I had braces and felt it was impossible but also because I faced the fear of eating food that i didn't prepare or know the calorie info of. Unfortunately, in all honesty, that achievement wasn't that big anymore as I then started doing research on what I had eaten and calculating the calories.

When leaving the party, my friend started eating loads and it made me happy and encouraged me that eating is good, but then she started frinking a lot and threw up everything and I started to feel guilty and also bad for her. I convinced myself she purposely tried to throw up as well and she seemed to force it and she was so happy. I felt discouraged and I noticed they had coffee swiss rolls and normal jam swiss rolls. My ED told me it's not for me to take but I noticed they looked soft and fluffy and God again beat my ED and told me to take 2 for tomorrow and as dessert for home. I was surprised when I grabbed them as I normally don't care for food and I was already feeling guilty, but my body surprisingly wanted them.

When I got home I knew I hadn't completed my meal plan fully as my portion was small. I told myself that I ate enough today when I know I didn't. Later on, God put sense into me resulting in me going downstairs to grab  half a slice of swiss roll then God told me, eat the other half! I ate it without trouble because surprisingly, it was the easiest thing I had eaten with braces.

In conclusion, I honored my cravings and God answered my prayers when I sought him for help to balance my meal plan and braces. He exposed me to foods he Knew I could eat and helped me eat them. He beat my ED. I knew with God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

When the night ended, I started to dwell on how my friend threw up and all the food she digested is probably all gone. I convinced myself I am greedy and that I needed to throw up. I texted her because I also cared if she was ok and she never responded. From that day, she would always text me discouraging things like 'OMG I haven't eaten all day'. She didn't know about my ED so I thought it was all very random. I convinced myself she probably has a ED which I feared for her as she was the biggest foodie I knew and I didn't want her to loose her joy. I never told her about my ED and she never responded so I unsent everything and told myself I am just being dumb. (She didn't have one).

TAKE AWAY:

Overall, God made all things possible.

We shouldn't compare, every ones needs are different.

Don't convince yourself everyone is like you.