OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

2nd of October 2023 entry.

📝02/10/2023.

Being exposed to a big portion gave me so much anxiety.

Not having the option to portion my food gave me so much anxiety.

Others eating less than me gave me so much anxiety.

Eating in front of other gave me so much anxiety.

Spontaneity gave me the most anxiety

The things my ED forced me to feel gave me so much anxiety.

This day started of being a good day for me. When my dad picked me up he had told me how we are spontaneous trip to a Turkish and Greek restaurant to celebrate his friends birthday. His friend was a family friend and also my mentor at that moment.

My inital thoughts when he said this was that Turkish is Mediterranean and some people do Mediterranean diets for weight loss so I will be fine. However, I still felt a bug in my stomach as I wasn't prepared and it was a new piece of information. Like I said, I hated spontaneity and I hated myself for not feeling good about eating out when the purpose of it was to celebrate someone I really appreciated.

I felt very anxious as I was unfamiliar with the cuisine and I would normally need a 2 days heads up about eating out and where so I could browse on the website and see what item in the menu suited me best; I had a habit of looking for the healthiest and lowest calorie options so when I ordered it wouldn't be like I overthought my order. I kept trying to get my dad to say the name of the restaurant so I could do research but he never said the name so I secretly searched up all Turkish restaurants in my area and chose what I would order from all of them to be safe.

You see I know this was a bad habit and I mostly know it was my eating disorder driving me to do all that research and feel anxious. My eating disorder was also screaming at me for eating a bigger lunch than normal on this day as I would normally undereat if knew I was eating out for dinner.

When we arrived at the restaurant I looked at the menu and ordered a grilled seabass that came with salad. I felt very relieved when mostly everyone ordered the same thing expect my sister due to her allergy. I also envied how everyone on the table was eating the starters; I didn't envy them because I wanted it because I didn't, but I envied their freedom and carelessness. No one looked anxious, everyone looked liberal and content meanwhile I was having butterflies of the uncertainty.

Will they add oil to the fish?

Will they add dressing to my salad?

I hoped it was just seabass and not any sides.

The chef entered with 5 massive seabasses and started grilling them near us. I gulped when I saw how big the seabass is and when he mentioned they're boiling rice for us to have with it.

When they put my food Infront of me I was shocked as the portion looked like it was for 4 of me. I was not used to being served a portion when I normally portioned of weighed my food. I felt so much anxiety and pressure to finish it all.

I started to feel very overwhelmed. I realized my ED didn't like to be exposed to a big plate of food especially because it knew I was not capable of finishing it.

I started eating; I saw everyone share their food in half and not eating their whole plate. I felt like maybe I didn't need to finish it because even the adults can't. I even thought about how my dad saved his stomach for this meal but still couldn't even have half as he was sharing it not realizing that I was comparing too much. The comparison started to grow on me as I started feeling guilty knowing my dad saved his stomach when I had eaten breakfast and lunch. I forgot to think about how everyone has different needs and I was malnourished. I then get upset because when someone asked me for half of my fish and I pleasurably started cutting half of it for them, my mum told them they couldn't have it and I needed to finish the whole thing.