OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

25th of June 2023 entry.

📝25/05/2023.

Went to the doctors this day for a regular check up and good news was received!

MY blood pressure and heart rate readings were better than the usual bad ones. For example, my heart rate was so low before it hovered between 30-48 whereas this day my heart rate sat down was 55. My dad, who is optimistic and looks at the positives for everything, was so proud about that reading as he expressed that it was a sign that I was slowly healing. I liked that. He also told me he's proud that I've been eating and those words of affirmation and validation made me happy and encouraged to keep going. 

This day, which was evidently a good day for me in recovery, I stopped fearing weight gain because my affirmations convinced me everything would be all right.

The affirmations I would repeat to myself were:

'I cannot dwell over things I can't control'. - meaning for me if I gain it's meant to be and God wants it to be that way. I told myself it's uncontrollable especially if I'm having a balanced diet therefore, my body is just trying to go to it's normal, original meant to be state. You should think like this too. 

'I am beautiful and confident' - I didn't believe this but what I did believe is that if I repeatedly say this then I'd believe myself. Fake it till you make it right?

'I am loved'- I knew God loved me. I knew my mum and dad loved me. I knew my siblings loved me. Saying this keeps you going in recovery.

'The lord will establish my life plans'.- It was nice to remember that I wake up every morning because the lord has plans for me. It keeps me going when I know I have a plan set out that I have to fufil therefore, stating this reminded me to recover for the future plans that the lord set out.

I just felt so refreshed and happy this day; I kept smiling.

I still felt I wasn't eating enough this day as in the morning I had a small pot of yogurt for breakfast, McDonalds grilled chicken salad and for dinner I had bell peppers and sweet potato. It is say better than I previously ate but it still wasn't giving me the energy I needed to restore.

Overall, I was just glad that I felt joy for food again that I actually would look forward to my next meals- something I never thought I'd feel as I fully thought I despised food before. I even started having favourite foods all over again as my body would be comfortable to tell me what I like again. I fell in love with my dads fish all over again and I loved bell peppers and sweet potatoes that I'd eat it everyday! It was a shock I could eat my dads fish as I hated anything that had oil and he had told me he drizzled it with a bit of oil; this was Gods miracle.

 I was happy that I felt joy after consuming food instead of feeling anxiety, guilt, regret and upset because in all honesty when I would eat I would feel better in the body, more energetic, more alive. They weren't lying when they said food is fuel, because it really is.

When you feel down, maybe because you feel guilty after indulging in food, or your struggling with binging or with recovery, just remind yourself you have God who gave you an amazing family. Parents who care for you, a family who loves you.

When I felt depressed, I kept telling myself this and the feeling passed. Yes, I still got chest pains  but I knew God will soon remove them as nothing is impossible for him. I recommend listening to firm foundation by maverick city. Honestly, what you fill your mind with is what affects your day for example all the bad negative thoughts about food ruins your mood right? So do the opposite, load your mind with affirmation, with gratitude of what God has provided for you, and fill your head with spiritual music. No joke, I think listening to spiritual, positive music every morning, like 'I smile by Kirk Franklin', made me more willing to recover as my mood would just be uplifted. The songs reminded me God is working in my life and he has plans for me and my bright future. I knew the pain I was going through won't be as big as the joy I will receive when I'm fully recovered. When I thought like this, I almost forgot about my chest as the contentment I had in the moment was way more huge than the pain; it overtook. I knew God will take care of me so I was fully relaxed.

All I knew is that I loved being happy and I'd do anything in my capacity to stay being happy. 

When I looked at my old self I used to think she was fat and ugly but to be honest she was a healthy weight. My mind actually said, 'I wouldn't mind going back to her'; In other words, it was me saying I wouldn't mind adding weight to be healthy again. This is how I knew my mental health was getting better; my healing had become strengthened this day.

I wanted to be the girl who was free to indulge on what she wants and not give a flip about it as she just did as she desired.

With baby steps I will get back to that girl and you will too.

Amen.