OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

9th of June 2023 entry.

📝09/06/2023. The following day update.

Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

I passionately feel that the feeling of being depressed is temporary. 

The feeling passes...

and once it does it's the most best refreshing feeling.

The reason why I put that bible verse from the Matthew gospel is because once I sought God when feeling paranoid and depressed the night before, I woke up feeling contented.

Let me expand.

I went to bed feeling paranoid, so I started my day when I woke up praying to God, praising him with gospel music in the shower and doing my devotional. Most importantly, I then recited the spiritual affirmations I showed you guys before. After doing that I felt so uplifted, gosh the feeling I felt was unexplainable but it just felt so good.

 It's shocking how the way you start your morning can impact your day. If you pray and seek God in the morning, he will comfort you throughout the day and make your day productive. Don't believe me, read the bible!(Psalm 37:4-7: Seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire.)

I'm not reinforcing my faith onto you guys, once you experience something so good, wouldn't you want someone else to experience it to!? It's like having a amazing food and offering it to someone else to try because you loved it so much. That's what I'm doing;  I experienced joy when I sought the lord, I want you guys who have a mental illness like me, to seek him and you'd feel such prosperity after- Trust me!

SO yeah, I felt so happy when I started the next day which was shocking as I felt so disconsolate the night before. Only God could make me feel better and comfort me as the pain I was feeling couldn't be understood by human. Only he could understand me as he formed me in my mothers womb and knows me more than anyone else. (Jeremiah 1:5)

Sometimes you have to reflect on things your grateful for as well. My journal taught me this.

I was grateful that I wasn't in the hospital. I hadn't had a hospital visit in 9 days and that was enough for me to show gratitude. My neck, chest and collarbones felt better too; the pain I once had disappeared and the very fact it hadn't returned in 9 days, made me feel happy and hopeful. I felt he was helping me with my anorexia and that made me glad as I made it a request in my prayers- when Gods answers to my prayers are unfolding before me, I feel so much please. 

I felt so happy I even had a sweet that day (09.06/2023). I know a single sweet is nothing but for me it was a massive gesture to myself as I never treated myself. I see tiny gestures as progress and once you build this mindset you'd appreciate things more and beat yourself up less. That tiny sweet I had made me feel I was one step forward into recovering with Gods help therefore I felt joy instead of guilt for eating it. Don't you want this?

I felt less care for the consequences I thought consuming food could bring that day. I listened to my body more that day! I knew a bit more what my body wanted that day which made me glad as my body stopped communicating with me. Before, I could never identify what I was craving or when I was hungry, I was never even hungry.

There was so many positives that day but a negative was that I still counted all my calories. (That was thing I still currently do whilst writing this down on the 6th of July. It's so hard to stop but I hope to let go one day!)

Concentrating back to the positives, I was able to revise for my exams for my GSCEs which was a achievement as I was becoming sluggard from revision as I was going through too much to concentrate. However, with Gods power I was able to suffer with anorexia, heal, go back through obstacles and still successfully revise and complete my GSCEs. This was something I could behold. I also love feeling hope. Although I felt stressed, I ignored that feeling because I could also feel happy and look at the positive! I was happy with my revision as I felt God strengthened my memory and I knew I'd do good in my GSCEs.

 Feeling faith is an amazing feeling as it gives you something to look forward to, to be hopeful for. Isn't that amazing?

In summary, I looked at the positives, I romanticized my day, I appreciated life more, I drew closer to God and made/ forced my day to be good. I wanted to feel good so I made myself feel good successfully. 

I just loved feeling Gods presence. 

He's omnipresence.

Knowing he was by my side and helping me through my journey made me feel so happy. 

You need someone you can rely on to help you too and unfortunately, not everyone can be there for you and comfort you when you need it every since time, except God. 

He will always be there. His spirit brings freedom, peace, hope, contentment. 

Reminder/ proof: 

Deuteronomy 31:6 

'Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.'