OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

20th of November 2024 entry.

📝20/11/2023. 

I really needed help to start and loving myself. 

It was the way that I would just look at other people and wish I had their life with no context of what they were going through.

 Others may have looked at me and wished the same thing, but I doubted it.

Somehow I would just admire and really aspire to be like other people. I felt most other teenagers like me were perfect. Their life looked perfect; they had lots of friends; there were social and always going out.

 They did not look like they struggled. Talking to other people for them looked easy.  I envied others.

I want it to be sporty. It was the way that my little sister did netball and how loads of people went to the gym whilst I was recovering from an eating disorder- isolated in my room and banned from moving my body. I missed the feeling of working out; the moments when I'd feel so  good about myself after moving my body and aching. 

I wanted to be smart like other people.
I wanted to be popular; I craved validation and attention.

I had lost all my interest due to my depression. I couldn't drag myself to do stuff that I like to do like I could before. I always felt numb. 

I wanted to be happy like others. 

I wanted to have the body of others.

 I wanted to have nice thick, long hair like others. 

I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

I wanted all these things but realized, I have had these things before, but a little, or big, something stole it from me; I realized all these things I was craving were things anorexia had grabbed away from me.

The eating disorder took away my social life.

It took away my thick long hair.

It took away my happiness; I was definitely happier before my eating disorder.

It took away my peace, my social life, my relationships with my family, attention from guys. It really was not worth it.

The thing that I took away the most from me was my love for myself. I began to hate myself, my reflection, my everything.

It was then when I texted my best friend, I finally opened up to her as she had opened up to me. She doesn't know about eating disorder and I don't think I will ever tell her. However, when I told her I was feeling down, she reminded me how I have so much things going for myself. Other people may envy me because they wish they had apprenticeship like me. She mentioned how her mum isn't supportive but I have very supportive family like me.

She didn't need to know what I was going through, but she's still opened up my mind to realize that I did have a lot going for myself. Mostly, I had God who would do everything for me, who even died for me and you.

I was loved by the most powerful person in the universe; God.

I realized that I was oblivious for what I had, Even the professional support I was getting was enough to feel gratitude; some people that have eating disorders have not even told anyone and lack finding support. But did. I had my parents, CAMHS and my pastor and his wife in church.

I'm sure you guys can reflect on what you are grateful for to bring a little light into your life.

Go reflect.