OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

6th of July 2023 entry.

📝06/07/2023.

This day was first day on stage 2 of meal plan the ED clinic gave me. 

The reason why they upgraded me to stage 2 was because the previous stage, Stage 1, was for people that are admitted into the hospital, people who don't do any sort of physical activity; they sleep and lie down. However, I, on the other hand still got up to shower and did some walks around the house therefore they thought stage 1 in result of them upgrading me to stage 2 (the highest meal plan stage being stage 8.)

Of course, me being me,  tried doing the meal plan. I was told by the clinic to wake up early so I could complete the meal plan by getting the breakfast in. (I usually used to wake up 1pm and would miss breakfast). Unfortunately, I woke up 11am, got ready for the day and had a late breakfast resulting in the whole meal plan being jumbled up and ruined as I felt too much fullness throughout the day and I didn't like eating after 7pm. I had 7 hours to complete the meal plan which consisted 3 snacks and 3 meals. I also tended to feel full for a long period of time after indulging in a small meal of snacks so I would normally have 6 hour gaps between meals. However, on this day, I obviously couldn't do that.  I felt so uncomfortable, but I tried to not let that stop me.

How did I try?

Compromising.

I mixed the breakfast, morning snack and lunch calories into one meal as a whole; that one meal would have the calories the 3 foods were supposed to have. That did mean I had to eat a higher calorie meal which was a big fear; It was hard to make it healthy and clean as I'd usually eat but, I knew this was the easiest solution. Of course I still wanted to follow the meal plan but, it still ended up being messed up by the end of the day. 

I knew my mum was meant to be the one in charge of the meal plan but I liked to have control in what I ate so we managed to find a balance; I let her her be there as I prepped my food or she would let me be there when she prepped my food. When she made my lunch, I watched it. The reason why I wanted to make my own breakfast is because I'm so picky with textures- when she made me porridge the consistency was what i despised it to be like and I didn't like to way she made it in the microwave as I prefer stovetop oats. I still appreciated her efforts though and ate it.

I loved how my mum was being so nice to me this day and trying to do everything she could to please and satisfy me. The meal planned forced us to plan and be together more which caused our bond has grow back to how it used to be. Before this anorexia thing. We're so close now. She was happy I was eating 6x a day now. 3 meals and 3 snacks.

On my side, I felt the meal plan stage 2 was so so hard. Maybe it was because of what I mentioned above about me waking up late or maybe it was because my body wasn't used to me eating constantly. Maybe it was both. When I tell you, I struggled so bad with the meal plan.. I felt too full through and after I ate a meal and next thing I knew I would have to indulge in another meal even through fullness. I didn't like feeling like that at all, it was almost like a punishment. 

By the end of the day I for sure wasn't able to get all the calories I was meant to with stage 2 and I kept complaining how hard it was but my mum kept reminding me that it  the only the first day. First days are always hard therefore, I knew I had to keep on tolerating.

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In spite of me struggling with the meal plan, I thought the day was a pretty chill day. However, Two days ago, I had gone for a check up in the hospital to get a ESG (heart trace) therefore, later on on this day my mum got a call from a worried GP who instructed her to take me to the emergency department as she's very concerned on how slow my heart rate is; she thought I should be admitted into hospital. This obviously, created my mum to feel very concerned for my health.