'But a black young girl of God cannot get Anorexia or mental illnesses-.
This is my story.
You probably have struggled like how I have too.
These were my coping mechanisms.
This was a battle.
A battle you may have experienced as well.
This was ongoi...
It states "Don't be discouraged, but know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance brings character, and character brings hope, and this is a hope which will not disappoint us."
What I'm trying to say is I believe that because I suffered so much the day before, being June 1st, I mentally decided to rely on God for healing and keep going as I had hope God will heal me from the suffering as he healed many in the bible for example; the women who bled non stop for 12 years. When she has touched Jesus cloak and seeked healing she no longer bled and was miraculously healed. (Mark9:20-22)
I could tell God was trying to communicate to me that he would heal me from this chest pain and suffering as I had a 2023 devotional I read every morning by Pastor E.A Adeboye ,that my dad had gave me earlier in the year, that confirmed God wanted to heal me if I persevere my relationship with him and move away from luke-warmness.
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I remember one day the devotional talked about what I just did, about how God heals and since the subject of healing kept coming up I knew I needed to act at that very moment on June 2nd 2023.
On that day I decided that I will help God heal me by praying and physically putting in the work. Meaning I'd have to start eating better, 'taking it slowly' as my dad said and gradually increasing portions.
I hoped it was the end of my battle that day, I actually wanted to heal that day. Of course I didn't want to actually think about how healing means weight gain in order to get my: healthy weight; period; strength back, because I knew it would discourage me and whenever my mum will say 'gain weight' I'd get scared and demotivated. But because I suffered and I hate pain I wanted to heal at that very moment.
Now reflecting I feel God made me suffer so I could come to my senses and agree with him to heal me from anorexia. The chest pain, slow heart rate, low blood pressure and glucose was because of the lack of energy and food I was consuming and we all knew it, so the only fix was relying on God and food and not myself.
At first my mother wanted me to go quickly back to my old habits when I'd eat so much and unhealthy and this made me scared resulting in us always bickering. I knew there was no way I could transform overnight back into that girl after basically starving myself for a long time.
Luckily after family discussions, my wise Dad, who stayed with me in the hospital the night before till the morning, agreed that I should eat 3 meals a day trying to eat as much as I could, he said those meals should be balanced and not just salad (as it was all I was eating). Therefore, I should incorporate healthy carbs and fats. I tried to agree but I was still having typical anorexic/ satanic thoughts but as I was in pain I wanted to do anything to make it stop it because I was hated feeling weak. I hated how because I had a eating disorder and used to obsess over working out my parents banned me from it and even taking my daily 10k+ walks as this made me think If I eat 3 meals that had carbs I wouldn't be allowed to burn it off. Without telling my dad this, But then my dad he promised me if I eat and gain a bit weight and more strength I'd be able to exercise again and he'd buy me a gym membership. This sparked my interest furthermore I agreed.
I was so excited of the thought of being able to ride my bike again feeling the wind brush my skin.
I was excited of the thought of freely being allowed to walk to shops and browse around.
I was excited of the thought of being those cool people that go gym and freely eat whatever as they knew they would burn it off later.
SO me and my family planned to go grocery shopping in my favourite shop Sainsburys as they have such healthy balanced options. (I am obsessed with shopping in Sainsburys).
I was just ready to have a balanced healthy lifestyle and I knew it was going to be hard but I knew from that day I'd try have 3 meals a day.
I knew I'd still count the calories though and make sure they were the lowest possible and now reflecting I know that was still such a unhealthy mindset to have. I obviously didn't fully want to heal that day if I still feared higher calorie options as calories is energy, something my body really needed.
In conclusion though, June the 2nd 2023 was the say I actually agreed to start my journey of healing slowly with the help of my amazing supportive family and God of course.
Key message to heal:
-You definitely need supportive people around you who find solutions.
-You need family support.
-You need balance.
-You need to think of how healing will have positive outcomes for your future meaning not healing will have negative outputs.
-You need to rely on God throughout the journey so he can change your mindset in exchange for a healthy one.
2 Timothy 1:7
7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].
TRIGGER WARNING: WIEIAD
(Meals I had today whilst writing (current date 27th June) Today I attempted bigger portions and faced a fear food of fried rice!
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