OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

19-20th of July 2023 entry.

It was at the point that whenever I would have my good days, I would glorify God and whenever I would have my bad days, I would seek God and glorify God. Why? I knew that my bad days were temporary and the good days could come soon. I knew God had a solution in the bible to help me with what I'm troubled with on that day.

Here's are two days where I journaled.

📝19/07/2023.

'Faced ultimate fear food and thanked God cos never did I ever imagine myself having pizza, fried and a salad in a meal.

I lost weight so my Ed clinic raised my meal plan and I felt so stressed as I feel I can't do it.

But with God everything is possible.'

On this day I was proud of myself as I faced a fear food. Yes, I had a list of fear foods but there were some I avoided more than others. I was more scared of some than others. At the current moment even writing this journal there is still more than 10 that I have not faced.

 I knew pizza was one of the top foods that I feared but I faced it this day. Even if it was 1 sub, I still felt proud of myself as it was a massive thing for me to do. I didn't need anyone to say 'well done', as much as it helps me as I knew I and God was proud. God was my witness and he knew how hard it was for me to do.

It's funny because I had and have no fear but when it came to food, fear arose. It might sound weird for others how I could fear food so much but I honestly really did and couldn't help it as much as I tried to be composed. Writing this, I almost feel embarrassed as it was just a pizza. 

I had the pizza with a few fries that being honest, I weighed to know the calories. I also sided it with a salad to feel a bit more at ease. 

I obviously gave thanks to God for giving me the courage to eat the food as I felt I would never be able to face my fear of pizza. 11/11/2023- Now, when writing this up, I do not fear pizza at all except takeaway pizza. (I'm trying to be honest).

I went to CAMHS and they weighed me to see I had lost weight and they did what I prayed they wouldn't. They increased my meal plan meaning I would have to eat ,more. I really did not want to eat more as I simply didn't enjoy it at all. At that very moment when they raised my meal plan - I felt I was getting a punishment for not gaining weight, which I felt was out of my control-  not having the mentality that it was for my own good. What one perceives as a punishment could be what heals them.

I believed It was impossible for me to eat more when I already struggled with my current one but reminded myself everything is possible with God and I could do it.

God is my coping mechanism, my shelter, my provided, my comforter.

📝20/07/2023.

'I felt too full and uncomfortable, felt I was going to throw up as my body is not used to consuming this much calories.

But I will keep perseverance as James 5:11'

On this day, I did the new meal plan I had to do. It was horror.

My belly wasn't used to this new meal plan even though it was only a tiny bit upgraded. I felt like I was punishing myself because of how full I felt every meal. It felt like the fullness never disappeared. This is because my body was so used top very tiny food and portions so it was not ready for this.

I hated it so much. I got to the point that after dinner I had to have a snack and felt it was impossible. I felt too full that I thought I was going to throw up. I felt emotional and rough. 

I didn't end up finishing the meal plan but I knew the next day, I will try even harder because of James 5:11.

Like I said, God always had a verse in the bible that helps me with my bad emotions. He reminded me even though I felt like I was suffering, If I keep persevering, I could adjust to the meal plan more and find eating normal not being a bad thing.