OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

3rd of June 2023 entry.

📝03/06/2023.- Mothers are always right at the end.

On this day I recorded in my journal whilst crying.

Now looking back I'm cringing. Why did I cry? I blame it on anorexia. The mental illness package  makes one more sensitive.

I was crying because of course it was the first full day of me deciding to recover so I had 3 meals on this day which was a big step. Despite the fact the three meals were balanced and tiny portions, I still felt a bit of guilt towards night time and scared of gaining. So I cried, not because of this but partly because when I thought the day was concluding and I had done a good job my mum had told me that I had to have a bedtime snack.

I feared those words as I wasn't fully mentally determined to go all in my recovery. This wasn't even all in as I still had low calories that overall day, so a simple snack wouldn't do me any harm. So why was I so bothered?

Again, this isn't fully why I cried.

I cried because I was already feeling uncomfortable as I had just had dinner not so long before she suggested this and since my body wasn't used to me eating as much as I did that day, that dinner had left me feeling uncomfortably full. What would have been seen as a small portion to anyone was a huge portion to me as my brain had made me forget what normal portions are as I hid it from it for some time. So I hated how I felt forced to eat a bedtime snack when I was already full, I felt it was a waste of calories and it just scared me.

Again, this isn't fully why I cried.

Another reason for my tears was because when she said I should have a bedtime snack I had courage to go and get myself a healthy snack I always loved, carrots and hummus. It was healthy and balanced I felt. However, my mum disagreed and didn't let me have that specific snack as she wanted me to have the snack she chose. So I got upset because the reason I wanted to heal from anorexia was so I could escape the depressing, overwhelming thoughts that would sometimes keep me up at night, so that I could escape the fear of gaining, my nightmares about food and stop letting calories control my life; so that I could be free. I thought she would want me the eat no matter what the snack was but when I realized I didn't have the freedom to choose I felt controlled again. I felt she just wanted me to add weight and she didn't fully understand recovery isn't only about 'adding weight' but getting rid of the mental factors as well ( the part I wanted to rid first). The fact she wanted to choose made me feel a bit upset, I had many thoughts about this moment that no one would fully understand. I overthought the whole situation concluding to me believing she just wanted me to eat unhealthy to gain when I wanted her to focus on the mental factors first as once those are fixed then I'd be open to gain. Now reflecting I'm happy she made me face a fear food.

Yes, that's another reason I cried.

She made me eat a yogurt. I know that's minor. But I had a massive fear of sugar and I remembered someone saying that specific yogurt she suggested was high in sugar. I was scared of eating sugary food especially eating it at night. Sugar had always gave me sugar rushes in the past and I'd get over hyper and energetic, So I thought imagine if I had it at night and couldn't burn it off. Now reflecting, your body burns a lot of energy to sleep alone.

I remember feeling so angry and frustrated  at this moment I don't know why. I felt forced. My whole family sat and watched me try eat the yogurt. I was taking tiny bites and crying. I felt embarrassed but I was just so scared of eating the yogurt. Crying because I tricked myself would have much preferred to satisy my body with carrots and hummus, as if I even knew what my body wanted as it didn't even trust me anymore. Crying also because I didn't even like it, or I tricked myself into hating it. I told them 'I don't like it, its nasty, I hate the granola bits in it' but my mum kept saying 'keep eating it, It's good for your gut as you can't poo anymore and the heart burn you've been having' (I had suffered with heartburn throughout that day). I was still angry when she said that because for some reason I felt she just wanted me to eat it as it could make me gain and not because of my gut or heartburns. My dad said I could stop so I did but my mum insisted in my finishing it and I continued to cry with eyes glued on me.

Then my little sister did the nicest thing ever and got herself a yogurt to eat with me so I could be motivated. (This was rare as my family normally eat different times and never together so this touched me). She finished hers and I finally finished mine after my embarrassing battle.

I still cried and my dad comforted me and my mum said 'Well done'. I still felt annoyed for another 30 minutes.

When I went to bed my heart burn disappeared and I slept well. So you see, my mum was right. She's a nurse and she knew the yogurt I had could help me. Her intentions was good and I was blinded by her care by my anorexic thoughts and anxiety. I feel so guilty for even feeling annoyed with her that day because now I have yogurt every night as it helps me sleep (well sugar free yogurt) and because mothers are suffering bad as well as their child suffering due for their love for them.

Please If your suffering with anorexia please comfort your mothers and treat them with respect, It's painful for them to watch you suffer. Listen to them and challenge fear foods because when you wake up the next day you'd realize the fear food did you no harm and you'd feel embarrassed like how I do. lol.

I wanted freedom with my recovery but now reflecting if I had freedom I probably would never make progress with recovery. When typing I still have anorexia but spoiler alert I don't care as much about calories as much as I did this day and I snack at night now (still takes some courage though for me to decide to , but I make the decision myself now to snack, my mum is doing amazing with handling me well and buys whatever I need).

But yeah I cried first full day in recovery.

Great.

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Helpful verses in bible God helped me with:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."-Matthew 6:34

Ephesians 6:1 - Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 'Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart'.

TRIGGER WARNING: WIEIAD

(Meals I had today whilst writing (current date 28th June)