OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

26th of July 2023 entry.

📝26/05/2023.

The development in my eating habits during professionally recovery was crazy.

My old self before deciding to recover would have been freaking out.

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On the 26th of July I was following my meal plan and I obviously knew I had to have snacks in between meals which I hated the most as my fullness would stay continuous throughout the day. 

In the morning I had porridge then My mum, my mum and I went out to my CAMHS appointment where I had my physical observations. My weight had increased a bit which was good but my blood pressure and heart rate was really low. We carried on driving after my appointment  and all of a sudden it felt we had been out for ages. 

I was aware I had missed my morning snack and  lunch queue.  I kept that quiet until my mum soon clocked and had told me I had to have my morning snack and lunch soon so she took off to go to Lidl in order for me find something to eat in the car. She mentioned I should at least have the morning snack and could postpone my lunch for later as we'd be home 'soon'.  I really feared having to go out and eat somewhere out of my comfort as after we were back from Lidl, we would go to her friends house. 

One thing with my ED was, it didn't only make me scared of eating but also scared of eating in a environment that isn't my room or the kitchen. Even the kitchen was under my comfort zone. Therefore, knowing I had to eat my morning snack, when it was already 1pm, in the car made me anxious for some weird reason. I felt I always needed to enjoy food and my environment was a key factor. If I didn't enjoy food I'd see it as a waste of a calorie and regret indulging in the food.

Going back into subject, we had gone to Lidl and I had looked at every option and the calories as I was obsessed with following the exact number on the meal plan. I knew the calorie requirement of my morning snack and examined every snack nutritional value secretly. If the snack was even a tiny value of calories above, I wouldn't want that snack. I had gone to the fridge section and came across  a small pack of sushi. It came to my surprise when I established the sushi was the exact calorie value my morning snack needed to be.

I contemplated if I should choose this as my snack as the old me, that hadn't choose recovery yet, would eat this as a meal. I also was very guilty about the porridge I had eaten in the morning as I felt it was overwhelmingly sweeter than usual. My brain was screaming at me to not eat another thing until I completely burn the porridge off. I guess I had this mindset as the old me before recovery would burn off anything I'd eat due to my former exercise obsession. 

I ended up buying the sushi and I left it in the car until the feeling of guilt would disappear.  The feeling soon did pass and we were now outside my mums friends house. I told myself it would be a short visit and I could have the sushi and my lunch when I get home. As you can see I kept postponing when I'd next eat in spite of me already missing two eating occasions. 

I left the sushi in the car and we entered the house. I soon forgot about the sushi and started playing around with my mums friends young son. Time had passed and my mums friend offered me a chocolate snack which I feared. My sister took it but never ate it and that's when I started comparing myself to her and realized she hadn't had lunch either too. My mum observed how I denied the snack then asked me if I had had my morning snack yet even though it was 3pm. I had told her no and she gave me such a disappointed death glare.

My mums friend offered to make me a bowl of rice her husband had been making that would be ready in 2 hours. My mum had said she wanted some therefore I knew we would probably be here till 5pm. I then decided to toughen up, go to the car and get my morning snack. 

I ended up eating it whilst secretly watching another mukbang to ease my guilt. The son of my mums friend had seen what I was watching and began bombarding me with question's asking me why I'm eating rice with raw fish and why I'm watching someone eat. 

I noticed my hands began to wobble a bit due to anxiety of being judged of what I'm eating and doing.

Overall though, I ended up finishing the sushi and realized...

The development in my eating habits during professionally recovery was crazy.

I had ate through anxiety.

I had eaten something that I would have before as a meal as a snack.

Despite me making dumb ED decisions, I still found a way to praise myself for toughening up and do something beneficial for myself.

What I used to have as a meal had now become a snack for me whilst on a meal plan.

That is progress in itself.

I ended up being so moody 2  hours later as I knew it was almost 5pm now and I still hadn't had my lunch that it was even my dinner time now.  The old me would be happy I'm missing food queues but honestly I was annoyed as I knew my parents wouldn't let it slide at all. I was also a bit confused with myself as when we were in my mums friends house, there was many food being offered to me but I still denied eating anything as I had seen oil being added which was my ultimate fear. 

Yes, it would have been easier for myself if I ate a meal there but I was just too much of a scared coward to.

When we arrived home I had my lunch at 5pm. 3 hours later I was still full but my bedtime was at 9pm so my dad told me I had to have dinner at 8pm. I did fear eating late but I didn't bother arguing.

I still ate even when full.

Again, that was progress within itself.