OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

27th of September 2023 entry.

📝27/09/2023. ( My little sisters birthday ha).

I attended CAHMS on Wednesday where they had weighed me to find out I had lost weight again!

It was annoying to admit but I knew deep down due to my negative emotions I had been having in the past week that felt like depression, I had developed a minor relapse.

Please know that recovery is not linear because for me it was quite the opposite. As you would know by now sometimes I would feel great and my weight would increase but then I would feel horrible mentally and have set backs resulting in my weight and health going negative. However, one thing you would notice is I would keep trying again and pushing forward. I would go backwards, forth, forth, backwards and etc.

I regretted developing an ED but I kept relapsing. This was because whenever I would feel horrible, I would feel unworthy of getting better and nourishing myself. I had been causing so much damage to myself, my mental and my physical without caring because my relationship with myself was getting worse than my relationship with food. I knew I was obeying by ED when I felt depressed as It was telling me that due to my little appetite I shouldn't eat as much- I never had an appetite when upset and I would struggle to eat. I was also aware that my gaps from my meals were getting stretched and I grew a habit of keeping it that way as I never felt hungry anyway; in all honesty I was really struggling and this resulted when my physical observations were done.

To no surprise, after I got weighed all the faced around me expressed disappointment. I felt horrible as I could feel their frustration. One week everything is going well and the next week it's gone back to normal.

For the first time I felt CAMHS was giving up on me.

I tried to convince myself I am not different from other people they work with that have anorexia; I told myself they probably experience other people that keep having relapses and they don't hate me. My advisor was convincing myself that they hate me an find me odd and different. But it was there job right? I was selfishly hoping they are used to this and I was not the different one that they wanted to give up on.

They just looked fed up.

They pursed to asked me what do I really want? They told me that I really need to reflect and think about it. They asked me if I really wanted to recover. I responded with no response I felt too puzzled and stressed.

They then told me that I have a week to make up for the weight and gain more otherwise I'd need to quit my apprenticeship due to becoming even more underweight. They even told me I am close to being fully admitted at home or at hospital as my health is getting very bad. They even seemed so bothered and told me I won't get my autism screening until I sort out this ED.

I was just shocked when they told me I had to quit a career I worked hard to get. Them saying this worked as it gave me some sort of adrenaline to get myself right so I wouldn't be admitted to the hospital.

When I was in the car with a silent treatment from my parent I started overthinking if CAMHS hated me. Yes, they were still gentle with me as they knew it was my eating disorder but I could tell they seemed distressed; they might have tried to hide it but I could tell. It hurt more because I felt everyone was getting tired of me and I couldn't blame them as I was too complicated and hard to understand. I would have regrets but commit them again.

I'm just too hard to deal with.

I am too introverted. Shy to socialize. Been told that I was too dry of a texter. When I got comfortable with people they would say I was too annoying and goofy. I hated not having friends but I do not blame anybody. I am still talking in present tense because I still feel the same way.

I felt my eating disorder stopped me from thinking about others or the hobbies I love. My thoughts were just blank and when I did think it would be about numbers. Numbers that result in the weight of the food I had to eat or ,my weight, thoughts about calories and macros. My mind was a calculator. I was useless.

I was just too over the place.

The silence broke in the car when my mum lectured me. I could tell she was just so fed up. She didn't understand. She would think I am ok then the next thing I would relapse. Her tone sounded more upset than angry. She was confused and struggling to help me.

She told me no one can help me but myself.

I wanted to get myself together and stop all the nonsense.

I told myself I was going to eat exactly eat what my meal plan informed me to do. NO LESS.

I told myself I would not t miss a single calorie as I had previously been doing a 500 deficit from what they wanted. My holiday relapse I was 1000 off. What was I doing!

I wanted to get my BS together!