OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

6th of October 2023 entry.

📝06/10/2024 entry.

This chapter is to show people who struggle with anorexia how body dysmorphia can come in during recovery and your eating disorder could make you feel horrible about it but one must keep enduring.

I had woken up, done my prayers and went to the bathroom to freshen up. When I had encountered the mirror, I witnessed changes forming in my body; my stomach looked bloated, I felt heavier in the body and my face looked fuller.

As you readers must know by now, my face being chubby was my biggest insecurity and the trigger to me developing an eating disorder so unfortunate, me feeling insecure and horrible was inevitable. 

I stood in the mirror and pursued examining these changes until I came to my senses and it told me that standing in the mirror any longer would not change anything. I was telling my self every morning, 'if I gain weight by eating what I'm meant to be eating, it is meant to be', therefore me looking chubbier on this day was a sign my body is getting to the state it needed to be in order to live and function properly. I moved on because I had to.

I was on the road to acceptance.

I prayed to my Lord, God, for confidence and acceptance of my appearance. I prayed that He would take away my anxiety and fears. 

A bit of me was hoping that I was just getting body dysmorphia and I didn't actually gain weight but I was proved wrong when I went to CAMHS.

I had my regular weekly check up in CAMHS and they weighed me to inform me and my parents I had gained 1kg- they obviously sought our permission first if we wanted to know. 
I was surprised that I had gained 1kg in one week when previously when I first entered CAMHS I couldn't even gain 0.5kg in 4 months. I was a bit set aback how that was even possible.

I also felt so much fear because I felt so insecure already and I knew I still had a long way to go meaning I still needed to gain more- I didn't want to gain more. I had to think about my health, my period, my social life, my happiness and my family to encourage me to keep going.

 A good coping mechanism for me was reflecting on all the things I wanted to achieve for recovery and it kept me motivated; I knew I wanted to start gym and me still being underweight was a reason I couldn't pursue that- I knew if I kept gaining, soon I could. I knew my family would be more at peace. I knew I would be more mentally well and physically. I knew I'd find an identity that wasn't my eating disorder. These things encouraged me to keep recovering.

My eating disorder didn't win over when trying to make me feel guilty as I saw how the people who were assigned to me in CAMHS and my parents face lit up when they found out I had gained. MY parents were so proud of me and I could tell they trusted me so much. Everyone was smiling and proud and I loved being the cause of peoples happiness therefore, I felt amazing. I was not even thinking about myself, I just wanted to keep trying to make them happy and this wasn't in a toxic way.

Everyone had joy and I wanted them to keep feeling that delightful emotion.