OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

12th of June 2023 entry.

📝12/06/2023.

I had never wanted to be alone so bad.

This day was a battle! I just wanted to burst out as I had soo many caged emotions.

It was a battle because it was a successful day of eating. I know, this many sound confusing. I ate well today, one would say I should feel proud however all I felt was guilt, worry and regret.

Whenever I'd eat I'd keep saying my affirmations to cancel out my negative emotions and thoughts, reminding myself that food was fuel and not a bad thing. I kept telling myself it would get better. But it felt this day that this mental illness was getting worse. Yes, I was eating more but I was getting more depressed. When I'd be happy, the next day I'd go back to default - upset.

My body dysmorphia came back as if it never left. It would always appear whenever I'd look at my face this day. I felt my face was getting fatter, my smile lines where getting more visible. I felt insecure and it would ruin my entire mood for the whole day. I'd look in the mirror and tell myself constantly 'you're beautiful' but when I looked up at myself in the mirror I'd laugh and my brain would tell me I'm not and I should stop lying to myself.

But I am beautiful because in Genesis 1, 2 it says God created humans. If God created me then I am beautiful as I'm his creation, his design. So instead, I remined myself of Psalm 139:14 that says 'I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well'. It helped a bit.

But it was still hard. I also felt like my efforts were not being appreciated by my family anymore. You see, I like affirmation and validation. My mum still felt what I was eating wasn't enough and that annoyed me; she still saw everything as a problem. Now reflecting her feelings where valid as she was right. However on this day, It still hurt me like a stab in the heart; at this moment I was having 3 normal sized meals and snacks that made me feel guilty as for me It was a immense, but for her it was all minor. No one understood me and how hard this journey was for me. (We should stop dwelling on this as no one will ever understand us but God). Additionally, all those efforts I put in felt undervalued; my mum would just focus on my blood pressure readings and use that to determine whether I'm doing a good job with healing or not- I wanted her to look at my actions instead, I wanted to hear the words 'I am proud of you', as they'd keep me going.

Therefore, I just felt guilty, unacknowledged and I started to forget the reasons why I had to heal. I wanted to relapse as I didn't see the purpose in healing anymore. I put effort, it wasn't being appreciated. Do you know why I felt like this? because I wasn't healing for myself at this point but for others who said I needed to therefore, when they wouldn't praise me I'd feel discouraged. In harsh words, wanted validation and not health. I felt like this because I let the devil get in my head as well, he was routing for me to ruin my health and he convinced me to relapse and forget healing.

Besides feeling guilty, near the end of the day I felt anger. I felt so much anger as I wanted to be praised and instead I was still getting the 'try harder', 'it's not enough's. But, my sister reminded me that I'm healing for myself and not my family, so I shouldn't care about those phrases. She acknowledges how encouragement and praise is nice but I should heal for myself. That kept me going. Those words reminded me why I needed to heal, to live. Later on my mind told me it's ok to keep eating.

Words.

Words are the things that caused my anorexia, but words are also the things that are helping me heal.

They're so powerful.

They crowded my mind and caused me to ovethink 24/7. Numbers were overtaking my brain space as I'd count the calories so much. I wanted to let go of counting but I still couldn't. I'd calculate so much as if this was my math's final exams. I knew I had to let go.

With anorexia I'd keep getting upset and bothered over minor things. What made me the most perturbed was having to eat. OH man I felt it was a punishment. This day I fully believed I hated food so much. I hated eating and no longer liked anything at all. I restricted myself for so long I caused my self to despise food.

I just felt so down. Yes, I did yoga, yes I meditated. I even prayed and told myself some affirmations. But I still felt bad.

Nothing was working this day.

So I cut vegetables. Carrots to be specific.

Sometimes I'd cut carrots when I was bored or angry.

So I cut carrots aggressively to feel better and surprisingly It helped a bit.

However, I am aware that was a bad resort. We all know.

God is the solution, don't do what I did, please.