OVERCOMING A ONGOING BATTLE OF ANOREXIA WITH GOD.

12 of July 2023 entry.

📝12/07/2023.

Last chapter I talked about one of the negatives that arose by anorexia recovery however, In this chapter I wanted to talk about a positives.

On this day, I recognized I was exhibiting one of my old traits which was being hyper and goofy.

On this day I was; so hyper, I was dancing, I was energetic, I was goofy, I kept laughing to the extent I was screaming.

I felt so refreshed and happy this day; I almost forgot how happiness felt due to me being so depressed due to anorexia. 

What I am trying to express is that anorexia recovery causes one to get more energy. This is because the food we eat give us energy and heal our minds. Our brain and body become more satisfied and we build self trust.

One thing about me is I adored feeling happy; I loved it more when the people I am surrounding with, therefore my parents, are happy. On this day, my parents and sisters were goofing around with me and the house felt lit up. I knew my anorexia and depression affected my whole families mood; I realised as I was recovering our relationships were breaking and family arguments would occur 24/7. We'd all be tired and I would be weak on my bed not even able to stand up. However, on this day, I was up and had strength from food and God causing my parents to feel happy seeing me heal and get my smile back. My sisters were also happy I was being social with them again. Unfortunately, my anorexia was the massive route cause of my families gloominess and my anorexia recovery, on the good days, was the cause of the house being bright again.

Anorexia has control on everyone surrounded by you.

Everyone.

It also had an affect on how you treat everyone and if you even hang out with anyone.

From Anorexia most of the time, one starts to; miss events, stop socializing, loose their happiness, get moody, shout at others around them, become more irritant, faint, feel weak, feel exhausted, feel cold, have seizures, get insomnia, have anxiety, have stress, get weaker bones, have no energy and feel weak, loose hair, loose their periods, get constipated and way more.

Therefore, in contrast, when recovering from anorexia, most of the time, one starts to; join in events, start socializing more, gain happiness, have a good mood, speak nice and calmly around others, be less irritant, feel energized, feel a optimum temperature, not have seizures, be able to sleep calmy, have stronger bones, have energy and strength, grow thicker. healthier and longer hair, have a regular period, empty their bowels and way more.

Due to me developing the bold traits from recovery, I started to reminisce and regret starving myself. I regretted only eating a tiny meal every 24 hours, I regretted over exercising,  I regretted loosing control. I regretted everything. 

Why?

Because, now I had to always go to the hospital getting appointment's for my blood having to be drawn, endoscopies, MRI's  and regular GP check ups. It was too much stress. My dad always had to cancel his work meetings as a boss in able to take me to various medical appointments. I always was occupied in the hospital. It all became overwhelming and just not worth it. On top of that, I had to keep up with a meal plan and deal with fear, coldness, guilt and my eating disorder thoughts.

I felt so bad for my old self. My free self. My baby self. My bright self. My old self that loved others, was nice to others and cared for others.

I just lost care. I lost my smile. I lost my self, identity, personality.

I became lonley.

Depressed.

All because of the habits I did in the past that caused a eating disorder.

I liked being happy. I liked having energy to dance. I liked making my family happy.

I was so happy on this day being the 12th of July. Due to this, I felt more comfortable eating food and restricted less. I also had no guilt whilst doing it because I knew I was fixing my regrets and doing the right thing. I also found it easier to act like this when I was happy.

Recovery.